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'Black is black': Zimbabwe pledges to save the United States
Zimbabwe's President, Robert Mugabe, today told reporters that he was in close contact with President Bush, advising him on how to cope with the relatively minor damage caused by a few rainstorms the USA had the other day.
He went on to say that he couldn't understand all the fuss the media made about a few homeless 'Uncle Toms'. "I told Meester Bush to clear the rubbish, he must fine the people who left it there. We do not need rain here. We have bulldozers to take away the dirty homes."
Mr Mugabe chatted amiably with our reporter as he saluted a huge crowd of well-wishers upon his return from another successful foreign visit. He was accompanied by his glamorous First Lady, who sported an almost perfect copy of Condoleeza Rice's 00 shoes.
"We have great and powerful friends, I told Mr Bush," he said as his £3m armoured Mercedes was filled up from 40-litre jerry cans, printed 'Made in China'. "I will send him some of these jerry cans. I told him, he must take a leaf out of the Zimbabwe book and tell the people to go back to where they come from."
Turning to the crowd of adorers and television cameras, he called on the world to listen to his plea.
"I say for all the people of Africa, we do not need Irish singers, we do not need your aid for our supper. If America have a need, to replace those who died, take those we do not need, those that moan about Africa, because they are traitors!"
Police were called in to control the enthusiastic crowd as they cheered their leader. Before he was sped away in his armed convoy, he added: "No one dies in Zimbabwe, shot by white men, because they are looking for food. Our shops are full and these lazy people must go to work or suffer the consequences!"
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Oi, down here!
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