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Today on DeadBrain:
Premiership footballers to take gender tests
Britain closed indefinitely due to snow
Car crime statistics stolen from minister's car
Mugabe banned from playing cricket in UK
Call centres go on strike; robot overlords one step closer to domination
Ia splits from Serb in latest Balkan separation

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Should Daily Express editor be killed by Prince Philip?

27 Jul 2005

"Should the editor of the Daily Express be killed by Prince Philip?" That is the question that may be asked by someone by tomorrow morning following today's latest attack on asylum seekers by the unpopular right-wing newspaper. Documents seen - and, indeed, created - by DeadBrain have brought to light a startling new conspiracy surrounding the eventual likely death of Peter Hill.

Investigative reporter Greg Mullet takes up the story: "I was rifling through my notebook when I saw lots of empty pages. Rather than go out and do some proper journalism, I thought it would be easier to make up a conspiracy theory about the death of a controversial person that we could splash across our front page. Given today's news, and the fact that I haven't written about the Daily Express for a while, its editor seemed like a good choice. A bit of mindless sensationalism never did anyone's readership any harm."

One of the documents Mullet created in his notebook "undoubtedly" shows a scribbled note from the Duke of Edinburgh to an unidentified hitman, giving instructions for Peter Hill to be "bumped off". A second is an invoice from a Parisian mechanic, showing that he paid over 80,000 euros for "brake tampering". Attached is a copy of a fax, sent to "the paparazzi", instructing them to chase Hill at a close distance through the streets of Paris.

Also "discovered" by Mullet was a delivery note from Lastminute.com for the purchase of skydiving lessons as a gift, an email from General Douglas Ramsbottom of the Bulgarian navy confirming the order of a small fleet of battleships, and a diagram showing how - with the assistance of a complicated rope system and a fish tank - Hill might be drowned.

"Prince Philip clearly has a number of ideas at his disposal," said Mullet. "Hill should be very careful indeed."

Shocking lack of progress in investigation into Hill's death

There has been a shocking lack of progress in the police investigation into former Express editor Peter Hill's death, writes intrepid reporter Greg Mullet. The number of officers assigned to the case, which has yet to be opened, remains at zero and the police have identified no suspects. A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police said that the investigation is proceeding at a steady pace.

A close friend of Peter Hill's family, Peter Hill, said: "What the hell are you talking about? Get off my doorstep."

The widely despised former editor of the Daily Express, a flimsy paper-based product which formerly contained "news", died in mysterious circumstances sometime in the future, possibly in a Paris underpass.

Ten uses for a copy of the Daily Express

27 Jul 2005

Guardian journalist loses eyebrows during Daily Express condemnation

27 Jul 2005

Satirists walk out on strike over Daily Express front page

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