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France claims victory in Trafalgar re-enactment, demands control of UK
In a stunning upset France claims to have won yesterday's re-enactment of the Battle of Trafalgar and has demanded that the British government relinquish control of the United Kingdom to French authorities.
In order not to offend anyone the re-enactment did not actually specify British, French and Spanish ships, but had red and blue teams. After a hard-fought mock battle adjudicators declared the blue team the winner on points, and this prompted the French reaction. Douglas Fond de Bélier, a spokesman for President Chirac, told reporters that it was obvious that the blue team was actually French. "Blue eez our national couleur," he said. "It is sacred to us. Why do you t'ink we say 'sacré bleu' all ze time?"
At an emergency meeting - possibly the last - of his Cabinet Prime Minister Tony Blair railed against the French demands, complaining that this was typical and to be expected. He noted that Britain had already privately apologised for winning the original battle, but the French had not even responded by apologising for killing Admiral Lord Nelson. However, he decided that in fairness Britain should probably accede at least in part, and it is understood that he has offered up Merseyside and the Black Country to French control. The French government is believed to have countered with a demand for control of all lands seized by their ancestors in the 11th Century and now designated as "duchies".
Prince Charles is believed to be "not amused".
Given Spain's participation in the original battle, the Spanish government has also demanded a share of the control of the UK, and has suggested that Gibraltar would be appropriate. However, it is understood that the British government has categorically refused that and is instead to declare Wales to be Spanish territory, as a gesture of reconciliation.
A Buckingham Palace official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that upon hearing of the French demands Prince Philip had put on his best admiral's uniform, armed himself with a pike (given that the Queen has previously confiscated all his firearms), and ordered staff to surround the building with sandbags, shouting, "Those froggy buggers will never take me alive." The official denied a rumour that some members of the staff had later quietly removed some of the sandbags and surreptitiously painted "Il est ici" on the outside of the Prince's bedroom window.
Late NewsIt is believed that the French government has presented a proposal for a "winner take all" re-match at Waterloo.
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Wow, look at this!
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