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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · David Blunkett |
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| You just fell over: Home > News | 19th March |
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 Exclusive: More secret Tory plans unveiled30 Mar 2005 by Paul Davies
Thanks to possibly the best piece of political espionage since, well, last week, DeadBrain can exclusively reveal the whole truth behind the Conservative Party's attempt to talk about something other than Howard Flight. On Tuesday, Michael Howard proudly preached to the public about tightening the security of Britain's borders. The new policy idea, he claimed, was necessary because of terror, immigration and other issues not directly involving Arundel and South Downs.However, one must remember that the only purpose of all these pre-election gestures, as Mr Flight was far too ready to admit, is to get elected; details are best left until later. In public, Mr Howard makes it clear that building a wall of policeman around the country is necessary because "we have absolutely no idea who is coming into or leaving our country". What he does know is that whoever they are, they're not voting for him; and that just won't do. Since Tony took over and revolutionised the party, New Labour has been far too popular, and should the Conservatives ever engineer the mammoth swing needed to return them to power, they want to make sure that such a turnaround can never happen again. While secret discussions were taking place behind the scenes, DeadBrain's intrepid reporter surreptitiously hid behind Anne 'wide-load' Widdecombe and learned that the new border control police force is just the tip of the iceberg. If elected, the Tories plan not only to police the national border, but also the North/South divide that splits the nation in terms of house prices, the cost of a pint, elocution and, of course, party loyalties. Justifying the policy, one senior party member was heard to say: "Just look at John Prescott – we let him come down from 'up there' and he's been nothing but trouble." It didn't stop there. "While we're at it, we might as well lop off Scotland and Wales, they're devolved anyway, they won't mind." The source, sadly eclipsed by the bleached head and bloated body of Ms Widdecombe, continued: "And Cornwall have always wanted independence haven't they? – give it to 'em, Dorset too, those buggers never vote for us either." It was cautiously mentioned that such radicalism might cause a bit of a fuss. "I've thought of that," squeaked the unmistakable leader, "we'll trick them all to march into Milton Keynes in protest, and then put a big border around there too." Related Articles Rant: Flight takes flight 26 Mar 2005
Rant: Tories should know their history29 Jan 2005
Tories to introduce quotas for global human suffering24 Jan 2005
Kilroy quits to form own party in new country19 Jan 2005
Kilroy-Silk and Howard to unite, form Back and Forth Party17 Jan 2005
Howard backs plan for Conservative ID card14 Dec 2004
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