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Bush announces manned flight to Neptune
US President "Boy" George W. Bush has announced that the USA is to undertake a manned mission to Neptune immediately.
The president made the surprise announcement today at a press conference at the White House after seeing a Fox News report that the unmanned European Huygens space probe had landed safely on Titan, Saturn's largest moon, and begun to transmit back information. Mr Bush is known to be insistent that America stay ahead in the race into space.
Speaking briefly to reporters, the President said, "There's no way I'm gonna let the Yurpeens beat the Yanide States o' Merica in space or in anything, especially Chirac. We shoulda landed on Titan first. So we're gonna boldly go where no Yurpeen has gone and land a man on Neptune, and to make it real spectaclear we're gonna land him on the fourth of July on prime time live TV."
He was quickly hustled from the podium by startled aides, who, it appears, had been under the impression that Mr Bush simply wanted to congratulate the European Space Agency on its achievement. As he was being pulled away the President was heard to shout "don't think you're getting away with this Chirac, we know where you live."
It appears that after seeing the Fox News report Mr Bush asked his aides for the name of a planetary body farther out than Saturn. He apparently became angry when Pluto was suggested, asking if they thought he was stupid, pointing out that he knew Pluto wasn't a planet, and saying sarcastically what about Mickey instead. However, when Neptune was named he simply said thank you for the information without revealing what he intended to do with it.
Following the surprise announcement officials from NASA were hurriedly sent to the White House to explain to the President that a voyage to Neptune would take rather longer than six months, that no such voyage had been planned, that no astronauts had been trained, and that there was no equipment with which to do it anyway. A dejected Mr Bush then apparently complained that nobody ever let him do anything and that it just wasn't fair.
White House spokesperson Mildred K. Ramsbottom later told reporters that the President had subsequently been informed that NASA was in fact intending to crash a space probe into a comet on the fourth of July and that the resulting fireworks should be visible from Earth. She said that with that and a glass of warm milk, he had calmed down and retired to watch Star Trek.
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