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Shock Pentagon revelation: Rumsfeld is a robot
The Pentagon was in frantic damage control mode this morning following a stunning revelation that Donald Rumsfeld, the alleged US Secretary of Defence, is actually a robot.
The revelation followed an earlier one in which Pentagon officials admitted that "Mr Rumsfeld" did not personally sign the more than one thousand letters of condolence to the families of American soldiers killed in action in President "Boy" George W. Bush's liberation of Iraq and its oil.
Elmer K. Ramsbottom III, a Pentagon spokesman, admitted at a press conference this morning that "Mr Rumsfeld" is actually a robot. He said that the real Donald Rumsfeld became permanently incapacitated four years ago after a series of conversations with the newly-elected President Bush. According to Mr Ramsbottom, Mr Rumsfeld had tried in vain to fathom the President's frame of logic but had failed. It seems he now spends his days staring out of the window, clutching a model tank and murmuring "vroom vroom" over and over.
The Pentagon admission was forced out after investigative reporters had looked in more depth at what had previously been passed off as stress-induced bizarre incidents involving "Mr Rumsfeld", including the famous "known unknowns" speech.
One of the reporters, speaking by television from a darkened room in an undisclosed location, said later that once the concept had started to take hold, the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle fell rapidly into place. "It seems pretty obvious now," he (or possibly she) said, in an electronically-disguised voice. "There was the known unknown thing, of course, but then a bunch of other clues, such as the insistence that all was going well in Iraq, the leg-biting, and the unreported incident when 'Rumsfeld' started walking around in circles saying 'system error' before being whisked off by aides."
"It all pointed to something robotic," he (or she) said. "But the clincher was when 'Rumsfeld' basically said 'too bad' to US troops who had complained about inadequate protective armour. Only something mechanical could say that."
Mr Ramsbottom III said that the President had not previously been told that his Defence Secretary was not human, in the interests of national security, but had now been so informed. However, a White House spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, told reporters that the President seemed not to have taken the information in. "His mind seems to be fixed on having been named Person of the Year, and he's just going around with a big grin telling everybody that," the spokesman said, "so we'll try telling him again after Christmas."
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