Dubya's Week: Mrs I's Narrow Escape

Sunday 21 November

Still in Chilly. There was supposed to be a big bankwet in my honner but the head guy there canselled it just because we wanted everybody who was going, well the forreners, not us, to be searched, well what's rong with that, one of them coulda had a secrit nucular missle or anything hidden in his pants. Bet he reelly canselled it just because I kicked his leg when he was in Washington in July, it wasn't my fault, just a honnest misunnerstanding and his limp has pretty well gone by now.

Anyway next time he comes to Washington he'd better bring sandwitches.

Monday 22 November

Got a phone call from some guy in the U of Krane, didn't quite catch his name, he was sneezing [Viktor Yushchenko - Ed.], I said bless you and he said what, so I said I said bless you and he just said what again. I said never mind, what did you say your name is and he sneezed again, figgered I'd just let him get on with it instead of saying bless you again, then he said just call me Victor. I said OK, I hope your cold gets better soon and he just said what again.

Anyway, seems they've just had an election in the U of Krane and Victor said he's pretty sure the head guy there, another Victor, cheated and says he won, he wanted to know some of the tricks, Victor the sneeze guy that is, not Victor the head guy, he said he'd heard we was the experts in making elections come out the right way. So I said OK let me get it straight, Victor says he's the victor but you say you're the victor, Victor. Then he said what again, then oh never mind, maybe I'll just let him win, I'm not sure I can face four years of this, and he hung up.

Toosday 23 November

That sneezing guy phoned again, he was still sneezing, he said gess what so I said OK, I like gessing games, but give me a clue, is it bigger than a potato. Then he said what and I said what and we went on like that for a while then he said OK just listen, I've declared myself president like you did in 2000 even though I didn't get the most votes, just like you didn't. I said well you can't do that and he said why not, so I said well duh, I'm the president, I just got re-electrified, so you can't be, anyway you don't even live here.

He was reel quiet for a while then he said well I think I'll just go now, and he hung up. Sheesh, sometimes them forreners make no sens at all.

Wensday 24 November

At the ranch today. King of Spane, Juan Carlos I, and Mrs I were here to visit. Picked them up from the hellycopter in the truck. Mrs I had a bit of a narrow escape, as she was getting in the back I notissed the dog had left a present on the seat if you know what I mean, had to think fast so I said sorry, I just remembered that seat's not very comfortable, I'll get one of the security guys to come back for you. Not sure if I got away with it, she didn't look too pleased.

When we all got to the ranch I tried to releeve things, I said it's good to see ya, Spaniels are our frends, well except for that prime minister Zappa guy, boy, he's asking for a dose of good old US libberation if you take my meaning. Then I said you remind me of that movie, the King and I, bit of a wierd name though, I, easy to spell though, ha ha.

Juan just smiled and said to Mrs I see, just like I said he would be. Not quite sure what he meant by that.

Something I can't figger out though, they both speak Mexican reel good, nearly as good as me, but why would Spaniels speak Mexican?

Thersday 25 November

Yippee, it's Thanksgiving Day, I said to Laura I hope there's a reel big turkey in the house and she just kinda looked at me reel funny and said oh, you bet there is, then she bit her lip and went reel red and her eyes started to water and then she just said excuse me and turned round and started coffing. Notissed Dad was going red and coffing too. No idea what that was all about.

Friday 26 November

Sheesh, talk about being ungrateful, now the Iraqians are saying they don't want an election on Januerry 30 after all. Well I didn't go into Saddam's hole to capcher him just to be told that, they're gonna have an election in Januerry whether they want it or not, that's what democrassy is all about.

Saterday 27 November

Day off.

Phoned Donny and said come and help me to put the Chrismass lights and deckerations up outside, I love Chrismass, I wish it was Chrismass all year round. He said OK so he came and I went up the ladder to hang some lights on a tree but there was a skwirrel up it, the tree, not the ladder, and it startelled me and I panniked and fell off the ladder. Forchernatly Donny was standing there and I fell on him, he broke my fall reel good. You'da thought I woulda bounced a bit, he's kinda chubby, but I didn't bounce at all. Anyway when he came to his senses he was reel mad and he picked up one of the big plastic raindeers and said say goodbye to this, it's going where the sun don't shine, and he tried to poke me with its antlers and I ran away screeming, so he threw it at me and went off in a huff shouting the Cheney word.

Boy, that makes a segway, my bike, roller skates and now a ladder I've fallen off, and I fell out of my plain a few times when I was in the National Gard, wonder if it's a record, maybe I should tell that actor that does that book, what's his name, Alex Ginness or whatever.