Dubya's Week: A Huge Gin and Peanuts

Sunday 14 November

Saw on Fox news that Cheney was in hospital for some tests on his heart, so I phoned him and said so how did it go, I wouldn'ta had you as my running mate if I'd known you might be about to croak. He said oh thanks a lot, that reelly makes me feel a lot better, why don't you go and get some tests done on your brane, see if you have one. So I said ha ha, gotcha, I'm only joking. Boy, he has no sens of humer. Not sure that he ackcherly has a heart either.

No idea what he meant about my brane though, mine's A plus, took an eye kew test once and I got 96, that's an A plus grade in anybody's book.

Monday 15 November

Dissided to catch up on riting my memwars, haven't had much time recently because of the election. Rote about my first four years as president and how I stopped the Russkies from putting nucular missles in Cuba, turned their ships away, only took me thirteen days too.

Later on Cheney came over so I showed it to him. He said what's all this garbbidge, that wasn't you, it happened over forty years ago. I said well I saw it on TV, it was about the president of the US of A, and that's me so it couldn'ta been forty years ago because I wasn't president then. Sometimes he's just not too swift on the uptake, speshally with logic. Anyway, he just said that bad word he says a lot, and mumbled oh God, four more years and left.

Toosday 16 November

Dissided to nominnate Condi to replace Powell, just hope she keeps wearing her lether. When I told Laura she just said forget it bub, she's not coming here. I said well I'm the president, not you, and if I want Condi over there's nothing you can do about it, so there. And I said by the way, why don't you wear lether.

Don't know how long I was out but when I got my senses back I had to have a nap, my chin reelly hurt.

Wensday 17 November

Boy, Sheerac is at it again, he's got a mouth bigger than the Eyeful Tower, now he's saying the world isn't any safer with Saddam in jail. Well sure, like here's this guy who had harmonium from Africa and he could fire off nucular mssiles and dubya em dees in 45 minutes, and we're not safer with him in jail? Well, duh, excuse me mister smartypants Sheerac, how dumm can you get, I bet your brane isn't 96. Anyway I said to Donny Sheerac wouldn't be saying garbiddge like that if he'da been the one that went all the way into Saddam's hole and capchered him like I did. Then Donny just looked at me and said reel quiet four more years, only four more years, then he left. No idea what that was supposed to mean, I think maybe he's going a bit ga-ga.

Thersday 18 November

Went to Clinton's librerry opening. Bit of confusion at first, I went to Kansas but it turned out it was in Arkansas. Sheesh, who thought up these names and made them nearly the same, like why do we have a Virginia and a West Virginia and a East Virginia, makes no sens.

Anyway the Clinton woman and Carter was there and Mom and Dad. They both emmbarresed me, Mom and Dad I mean, not the Clinton woman and Carter. Dad said make sure you stand up straight, don't slouch, and don't say anything stupid like you userly do. And Mom was fussing, she said is that egg on your tie, how many times have I told you to tuck your tie inside your shirt when your eating, you know how messy you are. I'm sure Carter heard them, he went reel red like he was trying not to laff. Felt like saying just bring it on bub but he's an old guy, wouldn't want him to croak, well not on live TV anyway.

That African guy Nelson Mandolin had the best idea, he just sent a video messidge. I dissided that if I have to go anywhere in future and Mom and Dad are gonna be there that's what I'll do. The security guys have a video camera I could use, I know they use the oval offis sometimes to make home movies with some of the secraterries. They won't ever let me see them though. I gess they're pretty scary, I overheard one once and there was a lot of moaning and screaming in it.

Friday 19 November

Went to Chilly for APEC conference. Couldn't quite remember what APEC means, it's probbly American Presence in Every Country, that's what Donny told me our polissy is. I said it's grate to be here in Africa, not particularly chilly though, it's ackcherly warm, ha ha. Nobody laffed, gess forreners just don't have a sens of humer, or maybe they just didn't speak American too good.

One of the peeple there looked like a waiter, I thought he asked me if I wanted a huge gin or two, so I said no thanks I don't drink, wouldn't mind some peenuts though. Turned out he was the head guy in China [President Hu Jintao - Ed.]. I said sorry, I didn't reckernise you, you guys all look alike to me. He started babbling on, couldn't unnerstand what he was saying, probbly Chineese, but I think I caught the Cheney word a coupla times and something that sounded like fo mo yeah. Anyway, whatever it was he sure didn't sound too pleased. Can't figger out why he would be a waiter though, maybe they don't pay him enough as head guy.

Saterday 20 November

In Chilly.

Donny phoned to ask if there was anything he could do to help but I said no thanks, Condi's got it all arranged, she's the smartest person in this administration, well second to me obviously, but I bet her brane is pretty close to 96, and she looks reel good too, speshally in lether. I'll probbly get her to figger out who we should libberate next, I think you might be getting past it. Then Donny said well you'll never be past it because you never got to it, then he banged the phone down in a huff. No idea what that was supposed to mean, didn't make sens, maybe he reelly is past his use by date.