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Bush to dispense with Cabinet, hire God
7 Nov 2004 by Malcolm DruryNewly re-elected US President "Boy" George W. Bush has announced that he is to dispense with his current Cabinet in its entirety and appoint God as the sole member of a new Cabinet.
Mr Bush's re-election was, to a significant extent, the result of support from the far right fundamentalist and evangelical Christian movement. He has said many times in the past that God talks to him frequently and tells him what to do - such as invade Iraq - and he has previously offered his services as special advisor to the Supreme One, as DeadBrain exclusively reported. His choice of God as his sole Cabinet colleague is therefore understood to be entirely within his personal frame of logic.
Speaking to reporters at a hastily convened press conference at his Camp David retreat earlier today, the president said that he had come to his decision during a moment of divine inspiration while doing a number two behind a tree during a hike in the grounds.
"God told me that the Yanide States O' Merica is His chosen country to lead the world back onto the path of righteousness and I'm His personally chosen leader," he said, "and He told me my duty is to bring peace, democracy and our great fundamentalist tolerance to all the world."
"Except France," he added. "They're on their own, the cheese-monkey surrender heathens."
Asked what will happen to existing departments, such as Defence, State, and Homeland Security, Mr Bush explained that they will be rolled into one, the Department of Righteousness and Morality, with God as its Secretary. "It's what the American people want," he said. "God told me so."
The president added that he would be speaking further to the Supreme Being in the coming days in order to define what His role as Secretary would be, and whether He would take up His new office before the January inauguration. He said that that would depend on how soon "Rumsfeld and them others" could pack their belongings and get out. He reiterated that God, through the American people, had given him a clear mandate and political capital, and that he intends to spend it, and he noted that the Greatest One seemed to be anxious to start in His new job as soon as possible.
Billy-Bob K. Ramsbottom, Pastor of the deeply-fundamentalist Church of Tolerance and the Right to Bear Arms in Bent Fork, Alabama, and a life-long member of the National Rifle Association, told our reporter that this was a great day for all right-thinking, moral people and that "them faggots and liberals and ragheads had better keep their devil-worshipping heads down" as he fired several rounds into the air.
In slightly related news, soon-to-be-former Secretary of Defence Donald "Dr. Strangelove" Rumsfeld has categorically denied that given the USA's new fundamentalist Christian direction the US air force in Iraq had renamed its bombing campaign on Fallujah "Operation Drop a Bomb for Jesus".