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Dubya's Week: Catwoman, chocolate and four more years

Verbatim highlights of the daily journal of George W. Bush for the week of October 31 to November 6, 2004. After a long campaign our man wins the election but loses his chocolate. Will his national security advisor continue to wear leather? Will he remember the other twin's birth date? And is France next on the list for regime change?

Click to see Dubya's journal

Sunday 31 October

Me and the guys got together to go tricker-treeting. Condi was dressed as Catwoman. Laura didn't want to let her in but I said let her in, I'm the president so do as I say. She'll probbly have a headache from now until Chrissmas, Laura I mean, not Condi, but it was worth it, Condi looks reel good in lether.

Cheney turned up wearing a white coat and a big mustash and curly wig. I said who are you supposed to be and he said Inestine, the famus scientist. I said well where's the bolt through your neck, and he said what are you talking about and I said well everybody knows that Inestine guy had a bolt through his neck. He said I still don't know what your talking about so I said sheesh Dick, wake up and smell the corn flakes, I'm talking about Frank Inestine. Boy, you have to be on top of everything when your president. Ridge came round as well, I said that's a good mask, you look reelly miserable, what are you supposed to be, that donkey in that Winny the Poo movie and he said what do you mean, mask, I don't have a mask.

Managed to hide the choclit I got before the security guys got it, they always take it away from me, they say they're gonna test it in case Al Kayda has poisenned it, but I never get it back. Anyway I outsmarted them, I stuffed it inside the secrit ammo belt in my speshal US army camaflage underpants when they weren't looking. You gotta get up reel early, like before 9 in the a of m, to beat George Dubya Bush.

Monday 1 November

Bit emmbarrassing today, forgot I'd put that choclit in my underpants and when I was out campaning it melted and some of the guys started laffing. I said what's rong and one of them said well I think you've had an accident sir, you should probbly change your pants, maybe it was when we hit that turbyalence on Air Force One, we was all a bit scared. I said oh it's just my choclit and the guy winked and said OK I unnerstand, it's just choclit. Had to take my pants off to convince them.

Toosday 2 November

Went to vote with Laura. Think I might have accidently voted for Nader, couldn't quite figger out what to do. I said to Laura well I hope you remembered to vote for me, ha ha, and she just said maybe I did, maybe I didn't, why don't you ask Catwoman who she voted for.

Stayed up late to watch the results. Had a big argument with the twins, they wanted to watch Frends. I asked Laura to tell them to be quiet, they never listen to me. She said well why don't you go watch with your frend Condi. I gess it's gonna be a long time before she gets over that one. Still think it was worth it though.

Wensday 3 November

Woo hoo, in your face Kerry, I won, I won, I won!!!! Four more years! Phoned Terry Blair to give him the news. He said yeah I saw it on TV, congradulations, but I hope your not planning on invading anywhere else, it's not too popular over here and I'll probbly be having an election myself next year. I said well not before Chrismass anyway, oh by the way, just out of interest, does Sherry have a Catwoman suit. Couldn't quite make out what he said, sounded like oh God, four more years, I said what and he said oh I just said oh good, four more years.

Thersday 4 November

Back to the oval offiss, hadn't been in it for a while it was reel dusty and nobody had cleared up all the peetzer boxes and stuff from the last cabinet meeting, and it looked like Saddam had been in there if you know what I mean. Couldn't remember the combination to the safe where I hide my choclit from the security guys, I know it's the twins birth dates but I could only remember the one for Jenna.

Friday 5 November

Sheesh, Sheerac's at it again with his ravings, this time he's complaning about the weakness of the US dollar. Well what's that supposed to mean, the dollar isn't weak, OK, if your not careful you can tear it, but I bet it's stronger than the French mark or whatever they have over there. Bet they don't use money anyway, bet they use cheese. Anyway seems he said something about it should provoke certain reactions on his part. No idea what he means by that either but if it's a fight and regime change he wants I say bring it on bub, we've already got a bunch of nucular missles pointing at the Elsey Palace over there in Madrid.

Saterday 6 November

Day off.

Phoned Donny and said I need your help reel bad, come on over right away, it's urgent. So he came and when he got here he said so what do you want me for and I said well we have to give Saddam a bath. He said I thought he was in jail in a secrit place and I said I mean Saddam the cat. He said no way hosay, that cat's pscychotich, I'm not going near it, I wouldn't have come if I'd known that's what you wanted. So I said well it's up to you, by the way I've been thinking about who should be secraterry of defens now, I was thinking maybe Condi. Boy, it works every time, he said OK, OK, give me some gloves then. So he held Saddam and I shampooed him, Saddam I mean, not Donny, he was reel quiet all the way through. Donny said well I didn't think he would be like that, maybe I've misjudged him. But just then he stood on Saddam's tail and Saddam jumped on his head and bit him and Donny stepped back and slipped in some shampoo I'd spilled and fell into Saddam's bath. He started screaming and saying I think I've broken my Cheney word arm.

Had to call the parramedics and they took him off in a big huff in an ambleance, Donny was in a huff I mean, not them, they was laffing. Anyway turned out he hadn't broken his arm, just his pen.


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