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Dubya's Week: The Margarine of Terror and Donald Rumsfeld's Tutu

Verbatim highlights of the daily journal of George W. Bush for the week of October 17 to October 23, 2004. The debates are over and the election approaches. But has the stress of it all finally got to our man, or at least to his brain? Read on and judge for yourself.

Click to see Dubya's journal

Sunday 17 October

Reel puzzled today, couldn't figger something out, most poles say I'm in the lead over Kerry but they can't be reelly sure because of some marjerine of terror. Well what's marjerine got to do with it, and why is it terror, doesn't make sens, it's not a weppon of mass destruction, unless maybe Al Kayda and his guys have put it in the voting masheens or something and gummed them up.

Anyway, I phoned Jeb and said just make sure there's no marjerine in them voting masheens, seems it messes things up, I gess it must gum up the works. Didn't quite catch what he said, sounded like the only works that are gummed up are yours, and then he hung up. No idea what he meant. Mom always said he was a bit wierd. Or was it me she said was wierd, can't reelly remember.

Monday 18 October

Early voting started in Florida. Phoned Jeb and said how am I doing and he said oh sure, I'm personnaly moniterring it for you, like I've got nothing else to do, forget about all them hurrycans, well so far your ahead by three votes but we've only counted seven, and now we're having some problems with the voting masheens, just don't menshun marjerine or I'll set them all to vote for Kerry. Tried to figger out how many votes that meant I'd ackcherly got but got a bit confused, like I always say I'm a big pitcher guy, leave the details to others, anyway I think it was six. Or maybe three.

Toosday 19 October

Phoned Terry Blair to ask him if he's dissided whether or not he's gonna let us have them limey troops we want in Iraq. He said well we're discussing it, if I say yes I won't be very popular here. I said well if you say no you won't be very popular here if you take my meaning. He muttered something, didn't quite catch it, sounded like see if I care, so I said what and he said oh, I said don't worry, we'll be there. What a grate guy.

Wensday 20 October

Still reel worried about that marjerine thing so got the security guys in and said I want you to find all the marjerine in the bilding and get rid of it before Al Kayda gets his hands on it, and you might as well get rid of the butter too, it's probbly just as danjerus. They kinda just stood there staring at me, I reelly think they're all stupid, they never seem to unnerstand me. Then one of them said sir, what are you talking about and I said the marjerine of terror, it's being used to mess up the poles. Then one of them looked like he was gonna laff but he said I think you mean marjin of error. I said well what's that then and he said well it's stattistiks, when they talk about a pole they just say something like it's ackurate to so many per cents nineteen times out of twenty.

Sheesh, that's a new one on me, I mean all they gotta do is add up how many peeple in the poles are for me and how many are for Kerry, maybe knock off a few there, what's so difficult about that. And what's this about only nineteen times out of twenty, what about the other three.

Thersday 21 October

Saw something reel funny on Fox news, that Cuban guy Castrol fell and broke his gnee and his arm, serves him right for being a commy. Wonder if he slipped in some marjerine, boy now I think of it maybe it's not the terrorists who are gumming up our voting masheens but the commies, they must be on Kerry's side, he's pretty well a commy himself. Bet none of the others could think of that link, boy what a grate brane, no wonder I'm president. Anyway I phoned Donny and said let's send Castrol a cruise missle, we can paint get well soon on the side, that'll lern him not to put marjerine in our masheens. Think Donny musta been feeling ill, he was reel quiet for a long time, didn't even do that wierd coff he userly does when I say anything to him, then he just hung up without saying anything.

Friday 22 October

Out campaning again, not sure where, it's getting reel confusing. Asked one of the guys where I was going and he said your gonna be in Wilk's Bar [Wilkes-Barre - Ed.] but I said no way I don't drink any more, that would look reel bad, I'll shake Wilk's hand though. He just stared at me for a long time then muttered something, didn't quite catch it, sounded like I musta forgot to take my pill, but that doesn't make any sens, I don't take any pills, well except for that one for my little problem but nobody knows about that, not even Laura.

Anyway didn't get to meet Wilk after all, gess he was too busy.

Saterday 23 October

Day off.

Laura woke me from my second afternoon nap, she said Rumsfeld just phoned, he said he's gonna have one last try to get you a bit of culcher, so he's taking you to the ballay, he'll be over later to pick you up. I said I hope you told him no and she said no, I said yes. I was still a bit sleepy and hadn't quite got my senses back and I couldn't figger out whether that meant yes or no so I said did you say no or yes and she said yes. Still couldn't figger it out, musta looked a bit puzzled and she just said look, your going, OK. I wish she would artickerlate clearly like I do and not confuse peeple.

Anyway he came over and we went to the stupid ballay, it was reel boring, seemed to be about some duck or something that died, boy if that's culcher I'm a demercrat. Anyway I fell asleep and started dreaming that Donny was dressed up as a duck wearing a tootoo, and that made me start laffing reel loud, couldn't help it, it woke me up, and some guy from the ballay place came and told us to leave. Donny was reel mad, when we got outside he was jumping up and down and shouting the Cheney word, and saying I'd embbaressed him. I was still laffing but I said sorry, it's just that you look reelly good in a tootoo, maybe you should wear one all the time, then he got even madder and went home in a reel big huff.


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