Dubya's Week: The Enormous Singing Tex Ritter Statue With Revolving Restaurant

Sunday 10 October

Looks like the guys screwed up, seems you could see a kinda square bulge in the back of my jacket during the first debate with Kerry and now the demercrats are saying I was wired. Well sure I was, it was the doohikky to go with that thing in my ear so the guys could give me the ansers, what's the problem. Anyway, phoned Cheney and said let's just make up an excuse, we're pretty good at that, I know, we'll say it was a bar of sope, it stuck to my back after my bath and I accidentally put my shirt and jacket on over it. Cheney said that's about the dummest thing you've ever said and beleeve me it has lots of competition but knowing what your like peeple might just beleeve it. I said what do you mean by that and he just said figger it out for yourself, then he hung up before I could think of something to say back at him. Sheesh he's getting meaner and meaner, wonder what's got into his underwear.

Anyway, started to make a secrit list of things to do after I get re-electrified, that's if we bother with an election.

1. Dump Cheney unless he stops being mean to me.
3. Take out Sheerac and them other Yoorapeens that are not on our side, speshally that Spanish guy Frank Zappa.
b. Send Kerry to Gumtanmanwo Bay for calling me names during the campane.
7. Oh and Edwards too.
6. Change law so I don't have to stop being president after two terms, I reelly like being commander-in-cheef and Laura says the shops here are better than in Crawford.
8. Look for more countries with oil to libberate, we're running short. Note to self, make sure can find them on map, and no long names.
d. Teach the guys how to say nucular, they reelly embbarras me when they get it rong.

Monday 11 October

That Sheerac's been at it again, this time he's been trashing good old US culcher. Well I got news for him, there's nothing rong with US culcher, like monster trucks and roller derby and mud ressling and Tex Ritter, only Laura won't let me watch the roller derby or the mud ressling and she keeps hiding my Tex Ritter see dees. Anyway, what have the French got for so-called culcher, just a bunch of art galleries and museums and opra and stuff, boy what a yawn, and that stupid Eyeful Tower, it's not as nice as the Stattya o' Libberdy. Bet he's just jellus that they didn't think of mud ressling and stuff first, probbly too busy eating cheese.

Toosday 12 October

Shoot, one of the guys told me that the Stattya o' Libberdy was given to us by the French. Didn't know that. Phoned Donny and said we should take it down and replace it with a giant stattya of a reel famus American like Mickey Mouse, or better still Tex Ritter, let's make it the enormousest stattya in the world, if it's Tex Ritter we could put a revolving restront in its hat and even make it sing, the stattya I mean, not the hat or the restront. He just said that wouldn't be appropriet. He always says that when I have a grate idea but never tells me why. Maybe I'll add dump Donny to things to do after I get re-electrified. Anyway I don't care what he says, I'm adding bild a giant stattya to my list, probbly will be Tex but on the other hand maybe it should be me. But then I don't want a revolving restront in my head so it better be Tex.

Wensday 13 October

Practissing for the debate with the guys. It's supposed to be all about ekonomics and stuff, I hate that, never reelly unnerstand it. Kerry always has all sorts of numbers to show off with and I get mixed up even though I have a grate brane, like what's bigger, a billyan or a gazillyan. I said I don't want that thing in my ear again, it put me off last time when you kept saying things like what are you doing now, stop blinking and close your mouth.

Anyway Cheney said he would pretend to be Kerry so I could practiss but I said no, your not reelistic, you don't have enough hair, and he said well I'm not wearing that stupid wig you got for me last week, so I said OK, let's get a big cardbord cutout of Kerry and you can stand behind that and pretend to be him. Then he said something, didn't quite catch it all, sounded like it might be better to have a cardbord cutout of me at the debate, it might do better than me at the first one. Pretty sure I will dump him.

I think I did OK in the debate, cracked a few jokes, was gonna tell the one about the chicken crossing the road but couldn't remember how it ends.

Thersday 14 October

Shoot, poles say Kerry won last night I thought I'd done reel good, called him a libberal and stuff. Too bad I couldn't remember how that chicken joke ends, if I hadda told it bet I woulda won. Still can't remember it.

Saterday 16 October

Day off.

Heard one of the security guys saying a circus was in town so phoned Donny and said let's go to it. So we went, we saw some lions and tigers riding bikes, they didn't fall off like I do, and ellyphants in dresses dancing and trappeez peeple trappeezing. Then some clowns came over to us, one said let's do a trick, I'll throw this creem pie at you but you duck just in time and it will hit my frend. So I said OK but Donny can do it instead. Donny didn't want to but I just said Defens Secraterry Condi, that always works, and he said OK. Anyway the clown threw the pie but just then I sneezed reel loud and it startelled Donny and he forgot to duck, then when he'd cleaned the pie off he went home in a huff.

Don't think he notissed that one of the clowns had stuffed a fish down the back of his pants.