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Doctors tell Tories: We will not resuscitate

Doctors in the UK have controversially decided not to resuscitate the Conservative Party should the worst happen. Campaigners on behalf of the party claim not only that miracles can happen and a recovery is imminent, but also that the Conservatives have a right to exist as the 'party of government' - a claim which doctors pour scorn upon.

They claim that the Party has "few vital life signs, is dependent upon corporate donations, is aging rapidly before its time and is, in fact, practically brain dead". Shown on television recently, the party appeared to have lost control of its nervous system - arms flailing and words being jabbered about immigration and crime, along with inexplicable smirks appearing and then disappearing from John Redwood's face.

Dr Roy Kill-Silk, practising in Brussels, commented, "It's time for them to bugger off and die. They're a drain on our resources, a distraction from the real issues, and ugly to boot." It was not clear what he meant exactly by the 'real issues', but physicians are in broad agreement: the Conservative Party will be left to die naturally. Its time has come.

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