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  The Tories

Tories to target apathy vote

At their annual conference in Bournemouth, the Conservatives have stunningly revealed how they will position themselves as the party of choice for the apathetic non-voter. The grand plan began to reveal itself on Monday as Oliver Letwin's speech reached its zenith.

"Let's get one thing straight. Let's cut through the crap, and the spin and press-sized bite-sounds and ask one simple question. How can I be expected to offer policy on subjects I haven't even bothered to research?"

"Like everyone here, I've no idea how this country should be run!" he said, thumping the lectern on each syllable.

Analysts were quick to observe how Letwin's speeches were carefully toned to appeal to those who had neither an interest in politics, nor in getting out of bed.

And yesterday Michael Howard further strengthened the party's appeal to the "couldn't-care-lesses" when he launched himself into anti Labour rhetoric.

"Unlike the Labour government, it's not because we don't know what we're doing. It's because we haven't been bothered to find out. And since Labour stole all our policies anyway, we say things are probably all right anyway."

Howard said they will unveil their five point plan once they get round to putting something in it. Broadly speaking however, he conveyed that the plan is to hand all power to private industry, or "whoever wants it really".

Party spokesman Guy Black told a press briefing that it was a winning strategy.

"If we can get everyone who doesn't vote in the next election to vote for us, we can tip the country our way," he said.

And a Vox Pop of young people in Bristol certainly shows the strategy is working.

Aaron Stanley, 21, said, "The Labour Party has sent this country into the ground by driving pound after pound into needless bureaucracy and red tape. Plus their gung-ho attitude to the Iraq war with all the associated Bush cronyism. The Conservatives really are the rallying cry to the indifferent voter."

"I'm just not sure I could actually be arsed to go out and vote for them," he sighed.

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