Dubya's Week: The Voices from Beyond, or maybe Arizona

Sunday 26 September

Started practissing for the debates with that big show off Kerry, boy he thinks he's so grate just because he was the star debater at Yale. Cheney said don't worry, we'll tell you what to say, just put this thing in your ear and listen reel careful, let's practiss, listen to what I say then you say it. So I put it in and listened and then said that's news sports and weather from Fox, we'll be back at eleven, and he said what did you say that for and I said well that's what you told me to say. He said no I didn't and I said yes you did so he said let's try it again.

So I put the thing back in my ear and he told me to say American Airlines 234 to Boston tower, come in please. Then he said why did you say that and I said that's what you told me to say. So then one of the security guys said I know all about these things, it's not ajussted properly. Then he said something, didn't quite catch it, sounded like just like you. I said what and he said it's just because it's new, it's picking up other stuff, it happens sometimes, speshally when they're near something that's reel dense. No idea what he meant by that.

Monday 27 September

Gave interview on Fox TV, they're grate, absolutely fair and balanced. The guy asked me all sorts of questions, think I got most of them right. He said would I land on that aircraft carrier in my flight suit again and I said absolootly. Didn't tell him the bit about how on the way in I pushed a button in the plain to put some music on but it was a masheen gun button. Stupid place for one. Sheesh, you'da thought the guy in that fishing boat woulda been a bit more patriotic and unnerstanding, speshally when it was his president, and we got the bullets out of his leg, so what's the problem. Anyway, seems he's doing OK in one of Ashcroft's speshal secrit places. Didn't tell the Fox guy about them, either.

Toosday 28 September

Didn't sleep too good, I kept hearing voices, couldn't figger where they were coming from. Knew it wasn't the big guy himself, they was just saying things like send a cab to 3303 West Avenya and robbery in progress at the mall, and he doesn't say stuff like that to me, just important things like take out Saddam. Sometimes he says take out the garbiddge when I'm kinda half asleep but I think it's ackcherly Laura.

Looks like I'm gonna have to take King Jordo of Abdullah out, or at least off the Chrissmas card list, he's been telling Sheerac that we won't be able to have them elections in Iraq, it's too danjerus. Well if Jordo wants a cruise missle for Chrismass all he has to do is keep saying stuff like that, only it won't be gift wrapped. Anyway Donny said last week we would be able to have them, only maybe not everywhere, just the places where it was safe that our candidets would win, or at least that's what I think he said.

That got me thinking, wonder if I could say some places in the US of A are too danjerus to have an election, like anywhere where Kerry might win, after all them demercrats are danjerus, they want to overthrow me and that's danjerus, well for me, anyway.

Wensday 29 September

Still hearing them voices, getting a bit worried, maybe I'm losing my marbels, one of them kept saying go into the light. No idea what that meant. Mentioned losing my marbels to Donny, he said don't worry, nobody will notiss. No idea what that meant either.

Thersday 30 September

Did a bit of reading for the debate. Couldn't reelly connsentrate though, the voices were still going on about all sorts of things. One kept giving me the weather forecast for some place I'd never heard of in Arizona. I was beginning to think maybe they're from the grate beyond, or maybe Arizona. Kept trying to remember the name of that other terrorist, the one that works for Al Kayda, but all I could think was Arizona bin Laden, pretty sure that's not it.

Anyway, did the debate. Think I done OK. Kept using the terrorist thing, and protecting America, that stuff always works, suckers. Said I wake up every day thinking about how best to protect America. Ackcherly, to be absolootly honest, I userly think where am I until I get my senses back and then I think what's for breakfast, hope it's sossidges, and then I think where did I leave my socks. Figgered it was probbly best not to menshun that.

Friday 1 October

Reel worried today, seems most folks, even Fox, think Kerry won last night, you'da thought Fox would be a bit more fairer and balanced than that. And the voices are still there, now they're singing, wouldn't be so bad if it was like Tex Ritter or Gene Ortry or something good like that but it's that opra stuff, just about putting me to sleep. Wonder if I reelly mn losing my marbels.

Saterday 2 October

Day off.

Donny came round and said he was gonna give that getting me some more culcher thing another try, this time he was taking me to the museum. I said no way, I'm watching my demalishun derby video, that's my kind of culcher, but I notissed Laura giving me that I've got a headache coming on look so I said OK, let's go. It was reel boring, it was just full of reel old stuff that nobody uses any more, kinda like my attic but worser, boy, why don't they just clear it all out. I said I'm going home and he said no way, your gonna stay here and grabbed my arm, so I tried to get away but I accidently pushed him and he slipped and knocked over a vase and it broke. He said you imbassil, look what you've made me do, that vase was over 4000 years old, so I said don't pannik, we'll go to Wal-Mart and get another one, it's time to replace it anyway if it was that old. Then he did his reel quiet scream thing, then a loud scream, then he kicked the wall reel hard and hopped off in a huff.

He didn't get far though, one of the museum guys caught him and said boy your in a big heap of trubble. Figgered it was best to pretend not to know him so I snuck out.