Dubya's Week: The secret strategy and the general's hat

Sunday 5 September

Yippee, two new poles show I got 11 more per cents than Kerry. Phoned Cheney and said this looks good but I'm still not reelly comfortable, then I had a grate idea, I said I aim to get at least 150 per cents more than him, that's my new strattegy, what do you think. He said that's just the sort of idea I expect you to have, but don't tell it to anyone else, speshally not on TV or in a speech. I said why not and he said well let's keep it our top secrit strattegy, if you say anything about it Kerry will know it too. So I said OK, good thinking Dick, I won't even tell the others.

Later on Donny phoned and said the Pentagon is gonna do an inkwiry into Kerry's medals. I said serves him right the big show off, did you have anything to do with that and he said it's better for you not to know. So I said your always telling me that, well I know something you don't know and I'm not gonna tell you. He said what is it and I said I'm not telling you, it's a reel big secrit, only me and Dick know but I might tell Condi. Then I had one of my famus brane waves, I said I'm too [illegible - appears to be several unsuccessful attempts at 'preoccupied' - Ed.] with trying to find my general's hat if you take my meaning. He said OK OK, maybe I did accidentally lose it last week, if I give you it back will you tell me your secrit and I said well I'll hafta see the hat first before I disside, then I hung up.

Monday 6 September

That Bill Clinton should mind his own business, seems he's been giving Kerry advice on his campane, I was gonna send him some flowers and maybe some grapes while he's in hospital, Clinton I mean, not Kerry, but I don't think I will now, he had two turns as president, why can't he let me, just because when he was president America had a budget serplus and most peeple liked us, he's a worse show off than Kerry and that's saying something, I hope the Pentagon takes his medals back, Kerry's that is, not Clinton's, don't think he has any. Anyway I phoned Condi and said hey Condi, how about you phone the Clinton woman and say Jessica Molinsky is visiting Clinton, she'll probbly beleeve it from you, that'll learn him not to interfere, but she said no I don't think that would be appropriet. Sheesh, I thought she had more imajenation than that, Condi I mean, not the Clinton woman or Molinsky, gess she's just like Donny and Cheney and the rest after all.

Wensday 8 September

I'm reelly confused, seems a space cappsul that was supposed to bring back some partickles from the sun has crashed, its parashoot didn't open. Well the sun is supposed to be reel, reel hot, even hotter than Texas in Augest, so how could a space cappsul land on it to get some partickles without burning? I tried looking in My First Book of Sience but couldn't find anything so I phoned Donny and said how could that cappsul have landed on the sun and not burn. He started making choking sounds and coffing, I've notissed he often does that when I ask him a question, I think it's just an excuse because he doesn't know the anser, but evencherly he stopped and said well it was easy, it went at night. Then I said do you think I'm stupid, that doesn't make any sens, if it went at night it wouldn't be able to see to land, then he started choking and coffing even more and didn't stop so I hung up. Still can't figger it out, though. Can't figger him out, either.

Thersday 9 September

Big problem today, somebody has released some memos from some dead guy that say I got fired as a pilot from the National Gard because I didn't meet standards. Well I know them days are a bit hazy in my memory, shouldn'ta drank so much, but I'm pretty sure I was a good pilot. OK, I do seem to recall something about accidentally firing a missle and hitting a trailer park, stupid place to have a firing button anyway, right where I kept my chewing gum, but I'm pretty sure we covered that up. I think we said it was a tornado, trailer parks are always getting hit by them anyway. And there might be something about an incident with a cow but I think we barbykewed it and hid the bones and we got away with that, plenty of cows in Texas anyway, nobody would ever miss one.

Friday 10 September

Boy, I'm reelly mad today, seems some pole in 35 countries says peeple around the world want Kerry to win the election, that's if we have one, sheesh it's none of their business. So I phoned Terry Blair and told him about it but he seemed reel emmbbarassed, he said well it's a bit tricky, ackcherly, most peeple in the U of K prefer Kerry too, not me of course, I'm still on your side. So I said thanks, I knew I could rely on you, but we gotta do something, I bet Sheerac's behind it, how about we get together and do a bit more libberating, we can have a go at the French if you like, and maybe the Germaniums as well.

Then he said sorry, he was too busy shuffling his cabinet, gess he must have got some new furnicher. I said what's more important, me being re-electrified or your furnicher and he kinda coffed, a bit like Donny does, then said sorry I can't talk just now, I've got an emerjancy. Seems there was some guy called Brown banging on his door and swaring at him and threttening to wipe that bloody soopersillyus smile off his face once and for all. Sometimes I reelly just don't unnerstand them limeys.

Saterday 11 September

Day off.

Donny came round, he said I found your general's hat, so I said let me look. So he showed me it and I said no, this one isn't mine, mine had my chewing gum on the inside, that's where I keep it. So he said well I'm sorry but yours got accidentally dropped in the garbidge and I couldn't get it back so I got you this one instead, it's better, look it has twelve stars and night goggles and a hidden junior spaceman radio in it so you can hear the astranorts, now will you tell me what your big secrit is. So I said OK, it's me and Dick's re-electrification strattegy, I aim to get at least 150 more per cents than Kerry. Then he just stood there staring at me with his mouth open for a long time, then he did his quiet scream thing again and got down on his knees and started banging his head on the carpet, then he got up and said you are a complete imbassil and went off in a reel big huff shouting the Cheney word.

Tried the hat on but I couldn't hear any voices of astranorts, bet the radio's broke.