Dubya's Week: The many colours of Donald Rumsfeld

Sunday 15 Augest

Dissided I'd better get down to Florida, visit the hurrycan dammidge, Kerry is ahead in the poles there so I figgered it would be a good oppertunity to get a few more per cents, for me, that is, not for him. Anyway me and Jeb toured around a bit in a hellycopter, didn't stay long, wanted to get back to watch the Ollimpiks. We stopped one place and I said I was gonna bring releef to them whose lives had been turned upside down, one guy said what do you mean, your gonna resine. Musta been a libberal so I said to the security guys go give him a bit of releef right now if you take my meaning but they said better not, it wouldn't look good on TV.

Monday 16 Augest

Donny came round in a pannik, he said why did you announce that we're gonna bring home about seventy thousend of our troops from Yoorup and Asia, we was gonna keep it secrit until a bit closer to the election and use it then if we had to, get the mom and dad votes. I said well that's if we have an election, anyway I want them here, the troops I mean, not the moms and dads, well OK them too, I need proteckshun. He said what do you mean and I said well the CIA said Al Kayda is planning to assassinnate a world leader, that's probbly me he's talking about, I'm the most important leader in the world. Sheesh, I sure don't want to be assnassissated, so I said where's Cheney, he's vice president, it's his job to get assinnassated instead of me isn't it, or maybe even yours, and Donny said no, your the boss, you keep telling us that, anyway don't worry, you might be OK, with a bit of luck, Al Kayda might not even mean you, and even if he does he might miss, and even if he doesn't miss you might survive.

Then he said anyway we've told you before just read the speeches we give you and leave the talking to us. I said well it was a speech that I read. So he said who rote it and I said I don't know, maybe it was Condi, she rites reel good. Then he got reel mad and went reel red, then white, then red again like he does when he gets reel mad, and he stormed out and slammed the door behind him. Boy, he was lucky, the cat chased him and nearly bit his ankle.

I don't think Condi did rite it but I was mad at him for not wanting to get assinnassated instead of me and I like to see him go red and white, it's reel funny. Sheesh, if he could go blue as well we could use him as a flag.

Toosday 17 Augest

Donny was round again, he said he'd just given a speech somewhere and he'd said we reelly don't need that intelligence zarr that that commishun that looked into my intelligence said we should have. He said he could do the job, no need to hire anybody else. I was still a bit mad with him so I said ackcherly I was thinking of giving it to Condi, she's the smartest guy I know apart from me. Boy, this time I'll sware he did go blue after he'd gone the usual red and white, probbly because he held his breth for a long time before he finally said the Cheney word and stormed out again.

Gess I should stop teasing him like this but it's his own fault, he shoulda offered to get assinnassated instead of me or at least let me have my commander in cheef suit.

Wensday 18 Augest

Campaning again today. On the way got some time to do a bit more on my ortabiograffy so rote about how I used to wear a mask when I was in Texas and go out with my frend Tonto on my horse Silver and bring justiss to peeple. Phoned Cheney and read it to him and he said OK I give up, I must have told you a hundred times just to rite about stuff you ackcherly did, not what you saw on TV or in a movie or dreamt about so why don't you rite about that time me, you, Tigger, Piglet, Pooh, Rumsfeld and Ashcroft played pooh sticks and Rumsfeld fell in and floated under the bridge. I said don't be ridiculous, are you trying to be funny, what do you do you think I am, stupid or something, that didn't happen.

Sheesh, it was Ashcroft that fell in, not Donny.

Thersday 19 Augest

Back on vacashun at the ranch. Had a ride on the bike and didn't fall off this time even though them terror skwirrels chased me again, this time I was ready for them, I hit them with my bike pump when they tried to bite my ankles.

Friday 20 Augest

Shoot, them skwirrels turned out to be pretty smart after all, not as smart as me, though, I was out on the tracter to clear some branches and about six of them jumped on me from a tree, had to jump in the pond to get them off. I'm beginning to suspect the security guys have been secritly traning them to bite my ankles, bet they've traned the cat too. I mentioned that to Laura and said I bet it was Donny's idea to get back at me for teasing him about Condi all the time and she just said I was being parrernoyed. I said am not and she said are so, but I didn't say am too again, not reelly sure what parrernoyd means. Tried to find it in the dickshanerry later but it wasn't in, as usual, nothing I ever look for is.

Saterday 21 Augest

Day off.

Phoned Donny and said I'm sorry for teasing you about Condi, come on down to the ranch and you can help me with my convenshun speech and then we'll get the tent out and camp out for the night. He said OK, I'll see you later. When it started to get dark I lit a camp fire, managed not to set fire to myself or Donny, and we sat round it telling ghost stories then we had some coco and turned in. About two in the a of m I sorta half woke up and I could hear something outside the tent but I didn't quite have all my senses so I screamed there's a ghost, and I jumped up and tripped over Donny, then I fell over and pulled the tent down. He woke up and said what are you doing and I said there's a ghost outside and now it's laffing reel loud, lissen. He said it's just one of the security guys you bozo, get me out of here, I'm going home, and he got out and went off in a huff.

I figgered it was better not to tell him he'd forgot to put his pants on, he was already reel mad. Too dark to tell what kolor he was though.