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Hutton to inquire into failure of inquiry into Hutton Inquiry leak

Lord Hutton, whose report in January into the death last year of government scientist Dr David Kelly exonerated the government and blamed the BBC for everything, including the weather and Kylie Minogue, is reported to be dismayed today that the inquiry into the leaking of his report has been unable to identify the culprit. As a result he is to conduct an inquiry into the failure of the inquiry into his inquiry, DeadBrain has learned.

The Hutton Report was leaked the day before it was due to be made public by Trevor Kavanagh, alleged political editor of The Sun, an alleged newspaper. As DeadBrain reported, Lord Hutton was immediately appointed to conduct an inquiry into the leak. He has been engaged in that since then, although he has kept a low profile and has conducted it through a team of solicitors organised by the Department of Constitutional Affairs.

The alleged Mr Kavanagh has vowed to take the secret of the identity of the source "to the grave".

The DCA said today that the investigations have been completed and it has been unable to identify the person or persons responsible for the leak. "No particular weaknesses in the measures which were taken to guard the confidentiality of the report were found," the department concluded.

"Well, except for those advance copies that were accidentally left on the 99 bus," added one of the solicitors, "but Mr Kavanagh assured us that he never takes that bus and that was good enough for us."

However, Lord Hutton apparently has a different opinion and has expressed his determination not only to find the culprit but also to get to the bottom of why a team of "highly paid solicitors and their hangers on" has been unable to do so. Regarding Mr Kavanagh and his vow, a source close to Lord Hutton, speaking on condition of anonymity, told our reporter that the law lord was of the view that unless the Sun editor were prepared to name his source forthwith, his visit to the aforementioned grave should, perhaps, be sooner rather than later. The source was at great pains to point out that this was in no manner a threat, merely a considered legal opinion.

Lord Snooty, political correspondent of The Beano, expressed his concern about this latest development. He told our reporter that it in his opinion it is time to move on. He said Lord Hutton might better spend his time conducting an inquiry into whether or not Michael Howard is real or just a figment of the collective imagination.

"Sort of like mass hysteria," he said, before going to see if Aunt Mat had baked any jam tarts.

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