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Ridge raises terror alert to red, issues Pacman warning
10 Aug 2004 by Malcolm DruryUS Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security Tom "Eeyore" Ridge yesterday raised the terror alert to red after information gleaned from seized computer discs suggested that several US landmarks are in imminent danger of attack by Pacman.
The information was found on one of the three laptop computers seized in Pakistan last week that led to the specific warnings about possible conventional terrorist attacks on financial institutions in the USA.
According to Hiram K. Ramsbottom, a CIA analyst, the Pacman threat was not immediately noticed, but came to light over the weekend when he took one of the laptops home while his own was being repaired, and his young son found the old arcade game hidden several folders deep. He said that analysts are currently examining the laptop's hard disk in detail to see if it harbours any other potential threats, such as secret plans for attacks by Donkey Kong. None have been found so far.
A White House spokesman, speaking on condition of a anonymity, strongly denied that the Pacman claim was bogus and intended only to keep Americans in general, and especially young Americans who were brought up playing Pacman, in fear of terror attacks as a re-election strategy for President "Boy" George W. Bush.
He also denied that the Department of Homeland Security is in the process of extending the alert coding system beyond red, fearing that it may have peaked too soon with its periodic terror alerts that what he called un-patriotic pinko liberals feel are simply ploys to keep Mr Bush in the public eye.
However, our Washington reporter pointed out to the spokesman that DeadBrain was in possession of top secret documents that suggest that the colour coding system will indeed be extended, with the addition of magenta, purple, deep purple, and several subsequent categories up to super-triple-deep purple. When shown these, the spokesman was unable to explain them, and apparently invited some CIA agents to take our reporter away to discuss it further.
In related news, DeadBrain announces that it is currently seeking to fill the post of Washington reporter. No experience is necessary.
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