Dubya's Week: George and the Amazing Technicolour Commander-in-Chief Suit

Sunday 1 Augest

New pole from Newsweek says Kerry is ahead of me by 49 to 42 per cents. So I phoned Donny and said look, Kerry is in the lead by nine per cents, I need a lot more per cents and the only way I figger I'm gonna get them is by being the war president, so I want that commander in cheef suit that I've asked for and I'm not gonna take no for an anser, so get on with it, you know what I want. He said you can't have one and that's final and I said I'm the president and I won't take no for an anser. Then he said I didn't say no and I said yes you did and he said no I didn't, I said you can't have one, I didn't use the word no, then he hung up. He's getting reel wierd these days.

Anyway I've had enough of him saying no to everything, so I dissided to dezine my own patriotic commander in cheef suit and get Laura to make it for me. It has a space for some medals, and a pocket for a wissle, and a sord and a general's hat with a fether, and a speshul combat boot with a secrit nucular butten in case I ever have to nook anywhere, like Iranistan or France for instance.

Monday 2 Augest

Had a reelly grate brane wave today. Koowait has banned that Forren Nights 9-11 movie because it criticizes what we done in Iraq so my grate idea was to ban criticizing me in America, maybe even throw anybody who does in jail, that should shut Kerry and the rest of them libberals up. So I phoned Ashcroft and told him about it. He said he didn't think that would be wise. I said why not and he said well for one thing it would be illegal. I said well I think the Soopreme Court is on my side so it should be OK, but he insisticated. Sheesh, I'm president and they never let me try my grate ideas. Come to think of it, though, I'm not so sure about the Soopreme Court any more.

Toosday 3 Augest

Seems that information that Ridge used to prove Al Kayda is gonna attack some buildings in New York and Washington any day now is reel old and now some demercrats are saying we're probbly just making the thret up to make me look good and get some more per cents in the poles. So I phoned Ridge and said is it true, and he said sure the information is true, well probbly, some of it at least, and I said no, that it's reel old and he just said it's better for you not to know. I said why do you all keep saying that to me and he said it's better for you not to know that either. So I said well I'm thinking of firing a few of you peeple and he said who and I said it's better for you not to know.

Wensday 4 Augest

Out campaning in corn country, Iowa, and it turned out Kerry was in the same place. I said to our guys let's go let the air out of his bus tires or rite clean me on the side if it's dirty or maybe throw some tomatose at him. They said better not, we might get caught, that wouldn't look good. Sheesh, they're like Donny and the rest, no imajenation.

Thersday 5 Augest

Sined a new a defens bill. I said our enemies never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we. [He actually did - Ed.] Donny just stood there rolling his eyes and saying the Cheney word over and over again reel quiet. No idea what got into him, I just gave him another $471 billyon but like I said he's getting reel wierd these days.

Afterwards he talked to me about my dezine for a commander in cheef suit. He said have you any idea how ridiculous it looks, and I hope you realize that one pant leg looks like the flag of Cuba and the fether looks like the flag of France, is that what you reelly want. I said well no, but I reelly want a commander in cheef suit but you won't let me have one. Then I had another of my famus brane waves, I said, hey, maybe I should change my mind about that defens bill and give the money to Condi instead. He coffed and went reel red and then reel white and evencherly said no don't do that, how about you forget the commander in cheef suit and I let you wear your flight suit once in a while, and you can have a wissle. I said what about my general's hat and he said OK, that too. So I said and how about parashooting onto a submarine and saying mishun accomplished or something and he said well I can't promiss, but we'll see. So I said OK it's a deal, then I sent one of the security guys to Wal-Mart to get me a nice wissle.

You gotta get up reel early to outsmart George dubya, like before nine in the a of m.

Friday 6 Augest

Reel worried today, saw on Fox news that Al Neenyo [El Nino - Ed.] might be planning to attack our wether this year and cause floods and stuff, I didn't know the terrorists could do that. So I phoned Ridge and said what do you know about this. He said I don't know what your talking about. So I said you never do, that's why I'm getting an intelligence zarr like that commishun said. Ridge said you don't need to do that, me and Rumsfeld can handle things, and I said yeah, right, I want to make sure I have some intelligence. Then he muttered something, didn't quite catch it, it was something about flying pigs, didn't make any sens, maybe he's starting to lose it.

Saterday 7 Augest

Day off.

Phoned Donny and said how about we do a bit of fishing at the lake. He said OK, I'll meet you there. We got there about the same time and started fishing, I caught a couple of fish and a log, then we had some lemmonade and peanut butter sandwiches, then I started to cast my line again, but a moskeeter landed on my nose and I tried to swat it and fell backwards and my hook got caught in what's left of Donny's hair and pulled some of it out, boy he was reel mad, he didn't have much to start with. I said sorry, you shoulda been wearing your fishing hat, and he said Cheney-word the Cheney-wording hat and threw it at me and said I'm going home. Took him a while to get his ess-ya-vee started, he was getting madder and madder, but evencherly he got it going and drove off in a huff.

It turned out OK, though, his hat was better than mine so I kept it. Kept his fish, too.