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Tories ponder bringing back Winston Churchill as leader
26 Jul 2004 by Malcolm DruryDeadBrain has learned that senior members of the alleged Conservative Party are considering an innovative solution to reviving the party's ailing fortunes: bringing back Winston Churchill as leader. There is growing dissatisfaction with the performance of the current interim leader of the party, Michael Howard, particularly after what was considered his lacklustre response to the Butler Report, which once again thoroughly vindicated Tony "Teflon" Blair. The idea of reinstating Mr Churchill, who has been dead for almost 40 years, was raised when it was learned that legendary actor Sir Laurence Olivier is to star in a Hollywood fantasy film 15 years after his death.
Footage of Olivier from various films has been combined and re-processed to create a character that will be seen in the new film in hologram form. New dialogue was recorded by another actor for Olivier's voice. Olivier was used because according to the studio concerned few other actors possess his authority.
Douglas Ramsbottom, a senior Tory strategist, told our reporter that it was the concept of authority that led to their idea. "Let's face it," he said, "Michael does sometimes come across as being about as exciting as a wet rag on a foggy day, whereas Winston was one of the best - if not the best - and most dynamic leaders we've ever had."
He said that George Lucas had been approached for his assessment of the feasibility of the idea, given his experience in digitally manipulating and re-mastering old film stock. It appeared that there is enough existing footage featuring Mr Churchill that a convincing virtual leader could indeed be created. It could even be made more appropriate for modern times by, for example, digitally removing Mr Churchill's omnipresent cigar, given that smoking is now generally frowned upon. Indeed, said Mr Ramsbottom, according to Mr Lucas the possibilities are endless, including giving Mr Churchill super powers and making him an expert in the use of light sabres.
"However," he added, "we would want to keep things fairly simple for now, and perhaps consider that kind of character development a bit closer to the next election."
Iain "Duncan" Smith, the most recent former interim leader of the Conservative Party, said he welcomed the idea and hoped it would come to fruition. "Winston was a great leader," he said, "miles better than Howard, so yah, boo and sucks to him."
"Would you like to buy a copy of my book?" he added.
A spokesman for the government later issued a strong denial that Home Secretary David Blunkett is a hologram.
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