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Mysterious caped crusader and assistant to tackle UK crime
19 Jul 2004 by Malcolm DruryReports are coming in from the Whitehall area of London that a mysterious masked man wearing a red body-hugging spandex outfit, emblazoned with a large B on the chest, and a black cape with the words "Vote Labour", has appeared and announced that he will be tackling crime as a "personal crusade". The mystery man, who refers to himself as B-Man and is accompanied by an assistant dressed entirely in black and to whom he refers as David, the Boy Wonder, was first seen in the vicinity of Downing Street shortly after Prime Minister Tony Blair announced sweeping reforms to tackle soaring crime statistics.
"Just call me B-Man, the Caped Crusader," said the mystery man in a deep, resonant voice, his jaw thrust forward and a hint of a steely glint flashing from behind his mask. He added that for him fighting crime had always been something of a personal crusade. He said he got used to the society of fear on the Holly Street estate in Hackney in the 1980s when people were too scared to open the door, and again in the shire county of Durham, where people were in constant fear of attack from rogue bands of badgers.
"But until now I haven't really had time to deal with these issues," he said. Now, he went on, he would be devoting all his energy to building a society built around "rules, order and proper behaviour", and not on the old "society is to blame" attitudes of the past that let criminals and badgers go unpunished.
As for David, the Boy Wonder, our reporter was unable to get much from him in the way of a comment, as he was just standing with a smile and glazed eyes, beating an open palm with a clenched fist and saying "Kapow", "Crrrrunch", "Biff" and other such words that are normally only seen in comic strips.
In an attempt to learn more about the mystery man and his assistant, and their true identities, we approached Professor Douglas Ramsbottom of the Department of Government Studies and Mythology at the University of Bootle, an acknowledged expert in super-heroes. He said that the reference to Hackney and Durham may give a clue as to B-Man's real identity. "He seems to know those areas," said Prof. Ramsbottom, "so we should be looking for someone who lived there in the 80s, or had some dealings there at that time. Of course, that means a lot of people, so I think his secret identity will be pretty safe."
As for David, the Boy Wonder, Professor Ramsbottom said he was unable to form an opinion, as he considered the former so bizarre as to defy analysis.
The professor added that most super-heroes had some kind of vulnerability, or arch foe, or both, but that so far there is little to go on for B-Man, except that he had been heard to mumble something about "howardite" and "cook".
"But at this point we really don't have any idea what that means," he said.