Dubya's Week: Oddjob and the Birthday Cake of Terror

Sunday 4 Jooly

Yippee, Forth of Jooly, happy birthday America. Barbykewed some stakes and let off the fireworks that me and Donny set up yesterday. He wasn't there, probbly still sulking because I scorched his hair, boy, anybody would think I did it on purpose. Managed not to set fire to anyone else but the fireworks scared the cat and it bit a couple of the security guys. No problem, they're used to it by now, they've started calling it Saddam. Ackcherly that's a good name for it.

Monday 5 Jooly

Back to work. Ashcroft phoned, he said gess what the Soopreme Court did while you were in Yoorup, I said what, threw Kerry in jail like we planned, I thought they was gonna do that a bit closer to November, and he said shut up, don't say things like that on the phone, somebody other than my guys might be tapping it. I said I don't think so, I can't hear any taps. Then he said shut up again and told me that they've said that all them enimmy combattents at Gamwatanmo Bay have the legal right to challenge why we're keeping them there. I said I thought the Soopremes were on our side, gess you just can't trust that Diana Ross after all, anyway just tell them prisoners they also have the right to remain silent, and if they know what's good for them they'll exersize it.

Close call in Iraq today, the new head guy, Halloween, was gonna let them inserjants off in an amnestary, he says they was just doing their job, so I told Donny to get on the phone to Halloween and tell him what George giveth George can taketh awayeth. Shheesh, we didn't give them soverannty just so they could run the place themselves.

Toosday 6 Jooly

Yippee, it's my birthday! Got up early to look for my presents but Laura said what are you doing, it's only five thirty in the a of m, go back to sleep but I couldn't, too eksited so stayed up and watched cartoons on TV until she finally got up. She said you can't have your present until later, by the way where's the car key, I've suddenly remembered I have some shopping to do. So I said well can't I at least wear my birthday boy hat and she said I gess so.

After brekfast somebody came to visit, wasn't reelly consentrating, too eksited about my birthday, so I wasn't sure who it was. Turned out to be Oddjob [David Oddsson, Prime Minister of Iceland - Ed.], the evil ennimy of James Bond, seems he lives in Ireland now, gess he must be going straight. I got his ortograff then I said can you tell me the anser to something I can't figger out about Bond, I've seen all his movies but he keeps looking diffrent, he must spend a fortune on plastic sergery, and he just said I like your hat, happy birthday. I gess that was better than just saying what like these forreners userly do.

Later on had my birthday party. We had sandwiches and played games like pin the mustash on Saddam, a photo of the reel one, I mean, not the cat, and one that Cheney had invented called pass the parcel of money to Hallyburton. Got some Tex Ritter see dees from Laura and the twins, a World's Best President tee shirt from Donny, a sined photo of himself from Cheney and a box of choclits from Condi. Thought Cheney was a bit cheap.

Laura brought a nice cake, it said Happy Birthday Mary, she said I hope you don't mind, Wal-Mart had run out of George cakes. Nearly set my tie on fire when I tried to blow out the candels but managed not to. When I was gonna eat some of the cake the security guys said don't. I said why not and they said it might have botcherlism. I said what's that and they said well it's like terrorism only worse, you'd better let us take it away and get rid of it just in case. I said do you think Oddjob might have done it and they just said what and I said don't you start. Boy I'm reelly grateful to have grate guys like that to protect me except they always take the good stuff, never take my brockerly for instance. Hope Saddam's OK though, the cat, not the reel one, he was licking the cake.

Wensday 7 Jooly

Kerry and Edwards started their campane. At least Edwards doesn't have any medals, not like that big show-off Kerry. Haven't seen a pole for a while so just to be safe I phoned Jeb and told him to start working on plan D, seems we might not be able to rely on them Soopreme Court guys for plan B this time.

Thersday 8 Jooly

Boy the cheek of some peeple, that former senator Alfons Tomato says I should dump Cheney. Well I know that and I've been thinking about it, but I don't want other peeple saying it, Cheney is liable to dissapear again just so I can't fire him. Condi called and said that's a good idea you know, I could be your running mate and I said that would be grate but I don't think Laura would let me.

Later on Cheney called round, he said I'm reelly sorry, I forgot to give you all your birthday present the other day, just say what you would like and it's yours, by the way I'm totally loyal to you and I think you're the best president America has ever had, oh and that Tomato is reel senile, I wouldn't listen to him if I were you. I gess maybe I've been rong about good old Dick, he reelly sounded sinseer.

Saterday 10 Jooly

Day off.

Nice day so I phoned Donny and said come on over and we'll have a game of tennis and he said that's a grate idea, I haven't played that for a long time. So he came over and we had a good game, then we went and sat down and had some milk and peanut butter sandwiches. After that he said well I gotta go, I got lots of things to do, so I said OK , see you on Monday. As he was leaving I notissed he had some white stripes on his back, I realised I'd forgot to tell him I'd painted the chair he was sitting in and it was still wet, the paint that is, not the chair, well I gess the chair was wet too. Thought I'd got away with it but later on he phoned, he was reel mad, he said what's all this paint on my shirt, that's another one you've ruined, and I said I don't know what your talking about and he just said yeah right and a bad word and hung up in a huff.