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Rumsfeld orders correction to terrorist statistics correction
11 June 2004 by Malcolm DruryAn angry Donald "Dr Strangelove" Rumsfeld, the US Secretary of Offence, has ordered his officials to correct a statement issued by the US State Department to the effect that it had made a mistake in compiling statistics on international terrorist attacks, DeadBrain has learned.
The State Department says that its report that the number of terrorist attacks fell last year was wrong. In fact they rose, and the number of resulting deaths was expected to be higher for 2003 than the number reported. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher, apparently unaware of the irony in his explanation, said both totals were understated because of the failure of the Terrorist Threat Integration Centre - a group set up to deal with the failure of US intelligence agencies to prevent the September 11, 2001 attacks - to compile data correctly.
Although the retraction belies the claim by President "Boy" George W. Bush that the USA is winning the war on terrorism, a claim that forms a key part of his re-election strategy, the Secretary of State, Colin Powell, denied the numbers were manipulated for political benefit but were rather the result of an honest error.
However, a well-placed Defence Department source, speaking on condition of strict anonymity, told our reporter that Mr Rumsfeld had, upon learning of the State Department retraction, gone into one of his white rages, running around and around his desk and screaming that "honest error or not this is just what Kerry wants to hear" before falling to the floor and biting the legs of several aides who were trying to calm him down.
"It was bedlam in there for a while," said the source. "We did finally get him calmed down but not before two of the guys had to go for first aid and two others sat on him for almost ten minutes. I wouldn't have thought the guy had that much energy."
He went on to say that Mr Rumsfeld had ordered his aides to find a way to get the numbers down and issue a counter-correction to the State Department correction. He said the aides were currently busy trying to develop a revised set of definitions of what constitutes a terrorist attack as opposed to a legitimate protest by freedom fighters defending their interests and way of life.
"I mean, look at the Palestinians and Israelis in Gaza - are they terrorists or freedom fighters? It all depends on your perspective. He told us to get those numbers down, and he didn't care what it took," he said. "So the approach we're taking is much the same as when we invented a definition for 'enemy combatant' - or rather just invented a phrase and left it unfettered by a strict definition. But we will get the numbers down."
Meanwhile, it is understood that Colin Powell has locked himself in his office and refuses to come out on the grounds that nobody takes him seriously any more. Our reporter was unable to confirm this as everybody at the State Department appeared to have gone home, or at least was not answering the telephone.
Apprised of the situation, Prime Minister Tony Blair said that he is absolutely convinced that the numbers really have gone down, and added his firm conviction that weapons of mass destruction belonging to failed dictator Saddam Hussein™ will be found in Iraq and that Labour will win the next general election in a landslide.
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