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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Menzies Campbell |
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| You are misplaced along with: Home > News | 22nd May |
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 Unconfirmed US virtual security network not denied4 Jun 2004 by Russus
The United States' adoption of a "Virtual Terrorist Protection Network" divulged in documents leaked to the New York Post yesterday was strenuously neither denied nor confirmed today by US defence chiefs.
If true, the documents reveal that the VTPN, believed to have been in place shortly after 9/11, consists of a rumour field filled with small particles of truth, and covers the United States and territories. The papers also detail how the generator located in the Pentagon press department is able to recharge the field with sufficiently vague speculation every three months, creating the so-called "rolling wave". "Just when the terrorists are about to launch an attack, Blammo! We say we are expecting one," said one babbling Pentagon insider. "They wouldn't dare attack us when we are expecting it, that's suicide!" "Naturally, on the grounds of security we are unable to reveal the precise nature of the next attack," he continued. "But we have reliable intelligence that says it'll be sometime between tomorrow and the end of 'Septober'." The estimated cost of such a defence network is in the region of -2 billion dollars, or its recognized Associated Press equivalent, 1 to 2 thousand press releases per day. Those in Homeland Security are also believed to privately endorse the VTPN, saying it "rather nicely" covers their backs just in case anything does happen. "It's a win-win situation," said homeland security spokesman Dennis Murphy. "Suppose they do attack us. We can say, 'well we told you it would happen, why didn't you stay indoors?'" Pentagon officials, although quick to be unable to confirm or deny the existence of the VTPN in a pre-arranged press release, wished to add that they knew all about the terrorists' dirty little training camps in Syria, so the best thing they could to do was to close the camps and go back to "growing goats". Meanwhile, the UK government offered the following statement as part of its new "époque of public openness". "On the 4th June 2004, the White House, on behalf of the American people, released a press statement neither confirming nor denying the existence of their terrorist defence shield VTPN. The UK government would like to assure the public that that it is also unable to confirm or deny the non-existence of such a network, and that we may or may not know the precise location of every terrorist in the UK." Despite the danger of being arrested, DeadBrain pointed out that thanks to this article the terrorists now knew that America didn't know what the terrorists were doing. "We don't know that," Murphy replied. Related Articles Bush vows decisive action against freedom-hating meteor 3 June 2004
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