Dubya's Week: Breaking the secrets of Ashcroft's grocery list

Sunday 23 May

Seems that film Forren Night 911 won first prize at that film festival in cans, the Palm Door, whatever that means, stupid name for a prize. I asked Donny where the film festival was held and he said France, so I said that figgers, I bet Sheerac told them to award it first prize just to get at me, maybe I'll award him a cruise missle.

Monday 24 May

Getting reel low in the poles mainly on account of all that torchering in Iraq so went on TV and said we're taking five steps to help Iraq get democrassy and freedom. Can't quite remember what they all were but I think some of them were hand over authority to a soverran Iraqi government we've picked, keep US troops in Iraq, and give more contracts to Hallyburton. Or at least if that's not what I said in the speech I'm pretty sure that's what Cheney and Donny told me it ackcherly meant. I wish they would tell me what's going on instead of just sending me to read speeches their guys rite.

Toosday 25 May

I'm reelly mad today, that General Tommy Franks guy has been made a honerry night in the U of K, well he needn't think I'm gonna call him sir general. That's the second time this year they've left me out of a nightship, first it was Bill Gates getting one and he's not even a kernel, never mind a general, just a guy who made a lot of money selling hamburgers, or did he invent Wal-Mart. Anyway, just because he's a general, Franks that is, not Gates, he gets to be a night, well I'm commander-in-cheef and I have a general's hat and a flight suit and even offishul US army camaflage underpants, I should be one, even Powell's one and he's just like a softy girl. It's just not fair.

And them French are at it again, me and Terry Blair sent a new resiglution to the U of N yesterday saying how we was going to deal with Iraq, and now France doesn't like it. Sheesh, that kind of thing doesn't help me get back up in the poles. So I phoned Sheerac and said back off cheese boy, we're not changing it just because you don't like it and if you don't want your eyeful tower taken out you'd better keep quiet, we've got a few stelth bommers and troops in the area. And I said don't think I don't know about that film award, either, and he just said what.

Wensday 26 May

Donny phoned to say did I know Terry Blair keeps saying the Iraqis will have a veeto over our troops once we've handed over power. I said what does veeto mean and he said it means they could tell us what to do. So I said nobody tells me what to do. Then I phoned Terry and said look Terry, you're a grate guy and a good frend but I'm reel low in the poles and that kind of thing doesn't help, so if you say stuff like that again me and you are gonna have a big disagreement and don't forget I've got plenty of troops and bommers in the U of K, we've had one go, we could easily do it again. Boy, I didn't think I would have to thretten Terry like I do Sheerac, maybe I need to find somebody else to be my deputy in the U of K.

Thersday 27 May

Big discussion at Cabinet meeting about Al Kayda and his new thret to attack us that Ashcroft was talking about yesterday. Afterwards Donny said him and Ashcroft and Cheney was gonna look at the latest intelligence about Al, they didn't need me, but I said no I want to be in on it. Donny kinda thought for a bit then said OK, you can help, while we have a talk you can decode some secrit messages, they might be from Al Kayda, and they're so secrit even the CIA can't see them. He said do you still have your Batman decoder ring and I said sure, I'll go get it. So I went to find it and when I got back Donny gave me some stuff to decode. I said this looks like Ashcroft's grossery list and Donny said yeah well that's the kind of trick these terrorists use. He said don't show it to anybody but us when you've done it, it's reelly secrit, so I said OK. So I got to work on it but I think my decoder ring must be broke because I couldn't make any sense of it at all, it still only seemed to be Ashcroft's grossery list. And why would he want 24 cans of whipped cream and a four pound bag of choclit sprinkles?

Friday 28 May

Donny came round in a pannik, he said we got a big problem, the army is running out of bullets, our guys are shooting off so many the supplier can't keep up with the demand. I said well can't we get the guys to pick up the bullets that miss so they can be used again. Donny just blinked and said are you crazy, I'm going to see if I can find somebody sane to talk to. Sheesh, what's crazy about that, bet he's jellous just because he didn't think of it, he has no imagination.

Saterday 29 May

Day off.

Nice day so me and Donny got the canoo out and went on the river. We got going OK but then I spotted Powell on the bank and I forgot I was in a canoo and stood up to wave to him and it started to rock and I panniked and dropped my paddle and nearly tipped Donny out, he dropped his paddle and started screeming and saying bad words and one of the security guys had to come and rescue us after he'd stopped laffing. When Donny got out he said something to me but I couldn't tell what it was because Powell was laffing too loud, then Donny glared at Powell and went home in a huff.

I don't know what he was so upset about, he didn't get wet.