Big Brother: Bookies close book on nookie
Bookies have closed the book on this year's Big Brother contestants having sex in the house, as rumours circulate that the 2004 intake are planning a surprise for the producers.
DeadBrain has learned that the housemates are angry with the producers who have not stopped banging on about the need for nookie in Big Brother 5.
With revenge higher on the agenda than sex, the six men and six women contestants have decided to call the producers' bluff and will spend the first week in the buff and acting out scenes from old porn videos.
DeadBrain's adult entertainment correspondent Greg Mullet has learnt that the first week in the house will be spent re-creating the atmosphere of a 1970s German porn film.
Each male contestant has grown a handlebar moustache, put on two stone in weight and grown a mullet. The women haven't been near a razor or a wax treatment for a month and will be caking their faces with foundation cream, green eyeliner and purple lip-gloss.
No detail has been spared as all the contestants are thought to have learnt basic German. Viewers can expect phrases such as:
The German dialogue will be broken up with random English phrases such as:
- schweinefleisch schwert (pork sword)
- yaaaa sie fickt gut? (yaaaa she's a good f***)
- schon wetter (nice weather)
- ich bin es gefuhl geil (I'm feeling randy)
- praline speedwayrennen (chocolate speedway)
- gestern mein auto durchgefallen sein MOT (my car failed its MOT yesterday)
They have also practised poorly-timed grunts and wails, together with facial expressions that suggest catastrophic amounts of pain.
- playing him like a piccolo
- you dirty chippie
- aren't the evenings drawing out?
- Gary Lineker
- Chopper Harris
The contestants hope to smuggle in a classic Casio VL 1 keyboard and a saxophone to ensure 100 per cent authenticity.
In forthcoming weeks the housemates plan to swap accommodation with the chickens, should they be found; take a collective vow of silence; feign illness and then kidnap the doctor and pretend to kill a contestant in a mass brawl.
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Oi, down here!