Dubya's Week: Worms, haggis, and camouflaged underwear
Verbatim highlights of the daily journal of George W. Bush for the week of May 9 to May 15, 2004. An eclectic week for our man. At first he appeared to have successfully resisted pressure to seek the resignation of his Secretary of Defence, but will the further unfolding allegations of torture and abuse in Iraq and Cuba force him to reconsider? Or will he be pre-occupied trying to stay one step ahead of his Secretary of State?
Sunday 9 MayTried to check my e-male but couldn't get the computer to work so I called Donny and said what do you think is wrong. He said there's probbly a worm in it, there's been a lot of problems with worms in computers just recently. I said well I can't see one in there, how would a worm get in anyway, unless a bird dropped it in, but the window hasn't been open, can't figger that one out. He said it's probbly that sassa worm that some kid in Germany done, so I said I might have known, I bet it's Shroder up to his tricks again, well he's still not getting any contracts for Iraq and he'd better stop bothering me unless he wants a cluster bomb in the schnitzel.
Monday 10 MayDissided not to fire Donny for all them torchers in Iraq so went to the Pentagon to give a speech and get him off the hook, I said thanks for your leadership, you are courageously leading our nation in the war against terror, your doing a superb job, your a strong secraterry of defens and our nation owes you a det of gratitude. I started to say thanks for helping out by riting this speech for me but he glared at me and wispered shut up you fool. Powell was there, he just kept kinda rolling his eyes, I don't know what was wrong with him, just jellous I guess.
Toosday 11 MayCheney and Powell came to see me, they said they'd had enough of Sirria helping terrorists and trying to get weppons of mass destruction so they want me to impose ekonomic sankshuns. I said that's a grate idea, bring them to heel, they need to learn not to mess with us, by the way, just remind me what sankshuns are. I said I like to think the big picture, leave the details to you guys, can't always remember these technical terms speshally if they're about ekonomics. Donny said don't worry about what it means, just leave it to me and Cheney, no need to bother Powell, so I said OK, tell them to bring it on.
Tried to find sankshuns in the dickshanerry but it wasn't in. Seems like nothing I try to find in it is ever in, maybe it's a limey dickshanerry, them limeys sure can't spell. Talk funny, too.
Wensday 12 MaySheesh, what will he do next, Powell I mean, he says he's applied for a coat of arms, says he's Scottish, well he sure don't talk Scottish, they talk even funnier than the limeys, and I've never seen him wearing a skirt. He came into Cabinet meeting eating something, I said what's that and he said haggis, so I said what's haggis and he started to tell us and Cheney turned reel green and left the room but Donny just started laffing and calling Powell Jock. I didn't understand that, I think Donny might be losing his marbles a bit what with all this stress about torchers.
I said well if you have a coat of arms I want one too, can't let you have more than me, I'm the president, only I want a good old American one with lots of gold trim and a big US flag on the back. Didn't like to admit that I'm not reelly sure what a coat of arms is, I guess it's something for carrying a weppon of some kind. I do have my general's hat and flight suit but Donny won't let me wear them, and there's my offishul US army camaflage underpants with the secrit ammo belt, but the security guys never let me have any ammo for it.
Thersday 13 MayMore trouble today, the Red Cross is whining about conditions at Gamwamtamno Bay, say we're torchering peeple there too, they say we've been keeping peeple there without charges. Well I think that's a pretty good deal, without charges. We should probbly be charging them at least $200 a day, bet they'd have to pay that for room and meals in any hotel, speshally on a Carribbyan island. I phoned Donny while he was in Iraq and said where is this Red Cross based anyway and he said Janeeva so I said OK, on your way back maybe you should make a stop over in Sweden and tell them if they don't want to be libberated they'd better just back off, the Red Cross that is, not the Swedonians.
Friday 14 MayBoy, when's it gonna stop, now I've got a pair of limeys riting to me and saying they were torchered in our Gamantmanwo Bay fassility. I phoned Terry Blair and said get these peeple off my back and he said he would see what he could do. He said by the way, sir, I gave an interview yesterday to a newspaper here and I told them that I would remain sholder to sholder with you, so I said thanks Terry you're a true frend, but I think I'm a bit taller than you so our sholders are not level, but I appreshiate the thought.
Saterday 15 MayDay off. Phoned Powell to ask him if he'd got me my coat of arms yet but he wasn't in.
Donny came over to help me do a bit of gardening, that's a good way to relax. I said you trim them rose bushes, I'm gonna mow the lawn on the tracter mower. Boy, I reelly like riding on that mower, I like to pretend it's a tank and I'm taking out evildoers. I guess I must have been daydreeming about taking out Osama because I suddenly heard Donny shouting stop you fool and when I came to my senses I saw that I was heading straight for him, couldn't stop in time and knocked him into the rose bushes. I tried to pull him out but he just screemed and said a bad word and said I'm scratched all over and your just making it worse. So I let him get out by himself and he said look at this shirt, it's all torn, that's the third or fourth one you've ruined, and he went home in a huff, didn't even wait for Laura to clean up his scratches.
Anyway, I got to thinking, maybe I should have fired him after all. Must think it over some more.
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Dubya's Week: The Great Chocolate Bunny Mystery
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Look at this, moron.