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Piers Morgan sacked, Mirror execs admit he was fake
14 May 2004The alleged editor of the alleged Daily Mirror, the alleged Piers Morgan, has been sacked after his superiors realised that they had fallen victim to a "malicious hoax". Trinity Mirror executives said in a statement that they employed Mr Morgan in good faith, believing him to be a genuine newspaper editor, but now accept that he is a fake. Because of this, they added, it would be "inappropriate for him to continue".
"This was a calculated and malicious hoax," it said. "There is now sufficient evidence to suggest that Mr Morgan is a fake. We apologise unreservedly for any confusion we may have caused our readers."
That confusion is thought to be over a number of the "stories" published under Mr Morgan's watch, including scoops over the last week that British soldiers were responsible for abusing Iraqi prisoners, the great train robbery, invading the birthday party of Queen Douglas of Bulgaria, and "Leslie Ash's lips".
Former newspaper editor Andrew Neil said that time had been running out for Mr Morgan "for a long time", although he was not surprised that it had taken so long for him to be sacked, as he knew everything there is, was and will be to know. "For a start, with more so-called soldiers coming forward to the Mirror every day, Mr Morgan was rapidly running out of letters in the alphabet for him to use," he said. "I think he'd got up to about Soldier F – I'd estimate that after that he could only have another 20 to 30 more letters to go before he'd have to switch to a different method of identifying his sources, like numbers, or possibly even little symbols."
A source within Trinity Mirror told DeadBrain that they had employed Mr Morgan to provide an "accurate representation of the facts" to the newspaper's readers, or at the very least increase its readership, but he had failed in both respects. Mr Neil, who refused to stop talking when our reporter attempted to end the interview with him, said that this proved that the newspaper's management quite obviously knew nothing about journalism.
However, pressure still remains on the Daily Mirror to prove that it too is not a fake. As DeadBrain reported last week, questions have been raised over whether the Mirror is in fact a newspaper, given that on most days instead of news it contains articles of questionable merit and accuracy about celebrities, people who have slept with celebrities and, on a number of occasions, people who have met celebrities.
Speculation is now mounting that Mr Morgan will follow in the steps of the alleged former BBC journalist, Andrew Gilligan, and move to the Spectator. This would be a particularly apt career move, Mr Neil added as our reporter attempted to hail a taxi, since the Spectator is edited by the spoof MP for Henley, Boris Johnson, who would undoubtedly welcome another person of questionable authenticity.
When asked to comment on Mr Morgan's dismissal, Trevor Kavanagh, the political editor of the Sun, shouted "ner ner nah ner ner", blew a raspberry and "started dancing a merry jig" as Mr Neil attempted to talk over him.
A spokesman for the British people meanwhile said that he would like Mr Morgan to come forward and apologise for every appearance he has ever made on television on the grounds that they were all incredibly irritating.
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