Dubya's Week: The Commission

Sunday 25 April

Stayed in today, security guys said it was dangerous to go out, a big crowd of femanists was marching in Washington saying I'm the enemy of reproductive freedom. That Clinton woman was there, boy I can sure feel sorry for Bill even if he is a Demercrat, no wonder he took up with that Jessica Molinsky.

Told Laura I'm glad your not femanin and she threw a book at me for some reeson, so I sent one of the guys to get her a bunch of flowers, but when I gave them to her she just said trim the stalks then insert your flowers slowly one by one you know where, George. Heck, she didn't need to tell me that, I know how to put flowers in a vase.

Monday 26 April

Saw on Fox news that a bunch of limey dipplermats have all sined some letter to Terry Blair so I phoned him and said what's this all about. He said well they want me to stop supporting you all the time. I thought for a while then I had another of them brane waves I'm famous for, I said OK what you need to do is make them look stupid so nobody takes any notiss of them, that's what we're trying to do with Kerry. I said for instance tell some dipplermat jokes. And he said what sort of jokes and I said well, like how many dipplermats does it take to change a light bulb, and he said I don't know, how many does it take, and I said I don't know either. Then he said thanks for your help George, I can always count on you for a solution. Sometimes I find it a bit embbarasing being smarter than him, he's such a grate guy, but he doesn't seem to mind.

Wensday 28 April

Sat down with Donny and Cheney to practiss for tomorrow when I have to talk to that commishun we set up to look into my intelligence before 9-11. They asked me a lot of questions using flash cards, like where's Iran and who is Osama bin Hussein and what's the CIA, stuff like that. Got a lot of them right but Cheney said I'd better not say anything tomorrow, just leave it to him.

Thersday 29 April

Me and Cheney appeered in secrit before that commishun. Before we started Cheney said remember, let me do the talking, you just sit still and don't say anything, so I said I'm tired of you always telling me that, I'm the president and I'll say what I like. He said do you want to stay president and I said of course so he said just keep your mouth shut then, this is serious.

They asked a bunch of questions and I ansered anyway. Cheney went reel red and then white and then red again and he tried to kick me but I kept talking. First they asked me what I knew about Al Kayda before 9-11 and I said the only Al I knew about was Gore. Then one of them asked me how much intelligence I had before 9-11 and I said less than now, that's for sure, and he muttered something, didn't quite catch it, sounded like it couldn't be much less, then he kinda snorted and put his head down and shook for a while. I guess he was in awe at being in the presence of such a grate man, me I mean, not Cheney.

Then somebody said why was I fixated on Saddam and I said I've never been fixated, what do you think I am, a cat?

Then they asked me why I didn't go straight back to Washington after I'd heard the news on 9-11 and I said I wanted to but the guys told me Air Force One had run out of gas and they had to get a couple of jerry cans and go find a gas station. I said why are you picking on me, anyway, why don't you ask Cheney where he dissapeared to that day, me and a lot of other folks would like to know the anser to that one, and he just glared at me, Cheney that is, not the guy who asked the question.

Then one of them asked me if I'd been able to think of any mistakes I'd made yet and I said nope, still can't think of anything.

Anyway I think I did pretty good, told reporters later I was glad I done it, but wouldn't tell them what we talked about, that's a secrit. I just hope nobody else ever reads this jernal.

Friday 30 April

Donny called round to say we've started to pull our troops out of Falloojer and replace them with some Iraqish ones. I said sounds to me like we got beaten he said yeah, sort of. I said Donny, tell me the truth, things aren't going well over there are they, and he said not reelly, no. So I said I want you to draw up a exit strattagy, but keep it top secrit. And if Sheerac or Shroder or any of them others start laffing at us about Falloojer fire off a cruise missle or two at them, sine them best wishes from George.

Saterday 1 May

Day off.

Reelly missing the ranch so I phoned the guys and said come on over tonight and we'll have a good old Texas camp fire on the lawn and listen to some cowboy songs. So when it got dark they all came over, I got a fire going, managed not to singe my eyebrows this time, and put a Tex Ritter seedee on. When the fire got going I threw a big log on and it made lots of sparks, one of them landed on the back of Donny's shirt and it started smoking. I panikked and grabbed his breefcase and hit him on the back with it, but it came open and his papers came out and landed in the fire. He said what are you doing, them was important secrit papers, so I said why did you bring them anyway, it's a day off, and he said I was going to leave them for you to look at, it's that exit strattagy for Iraq you wanted, now I'm going to have to rite it all again, it took me all day, and he left in a huff.

Don't think he notissed that his shirt was still smoking a bit at the back.