Entire British prison population released by accident
20 Apr 2004
The entire British prison population was released by accident this morning, it has emerged. Suspicions were first aroused when tens of thousands of men and women were spotted roaming the countryside committing random acts of crime, including burglary, "telegraph pole hustling" and "chicken rape". A spokesman for one of the local police forces involved attempted to deny the claims by worried onlookers, insisting instead that it was probably either a school trip or a corporate away day. However, a Home Office source has confirmed to DeadBrain that a mass release has mistakenly taken place.
"It looks like all of the prisoners involved obtained false papers and presented them to their guards, who promptly released them," she said. "I even heard of one case in East Yorkshire where some prisoners were too weak to walk from prison, so the prison governor gave them money for a taxi. In another prison they hired a minibus specially."
A spokesman for the Prison Service, or Upcock plc as it is to be known, said that he had no knowledge of the two specific incidents, but that if they had taken place then the members of staff concerned would each be given "a gold star for customer service".
Meanwhile, an enormous manhunt is underway to find the escaped prisoners and all police leave has been cancelled. The Home Secretary has reportedly asked Chief Constables to re-deploy officers from essential paperwork and speed camera-operating duties to help find the prisoners, but even so it is thought that the police will have great difficulties. Mr Blunkett is now said to be considering using emergency powers to reform the working practices of the other emergency services to allow them to help and bringing in a private security company to catch the escapees.
A spokesman for one group of the prisoners, who was last seen setting fire to a man's trousers in Durham, said that he was "delighted" and expected to be free for some time yet. He added that ambulance technicians and coastguards wouldn't have much chance of catching him, but he is looking forward to a Benny Hill-style chase across the countryside.
UpdateDespite the 70-odd thousand-strong crime wave now sweeping the country, a government spokesman has insisted that crime is still down compared to under the last Conservative government.
Log in to read/write comments on this article
Wow, look at this!