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Saddam Hussein promises Iraq truce in return for release
15 Apr 2004 by Malcolm DruryAl Jazeera television claims to have obtained a video tape made by failed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein™ in which he offers a truce in Iraq in return for his release and certain other considerations, DeadBrain has learned.
According to Ahmed al Ramas-Botm, former head gardener to Mr. Saddam, who says he has seen the video, it does appear to be genuine. "I worked for the Great Leader for many years tending his flower beds and serving as his footstool," said Mr. al Ramas-Botm, "so I should know whether it's him or not. And it is. There's no mistaking those eyes, they follow you even when you're not in the room."
He told our reporter that in the video Mr. Saddam promises, scout's honour, cross his heart and hope to die, that if the Americans will release him from the undisclosed secret location where he is currently their guest and fly him home he will tell the Iraqis to stop fighting them and their coalition allies.
However, Mr. Saddam apparently also requests $10,000,000 in used notes, a guarantee that he will not be prosecuted for any past or future alleged crimes, a loaded tank - "just one round will do" - and US Secretary of Offence Donald "Dr Strangelove" Rumsfeld's home address.
Asked about the video, White House spokesperson Mildred K. Ramsbottom expressed surprise, saying that the Bush administration had not heard of the al Jazeera claim, noting that neither the FBI nor the CIA appeared to be aware of it. "If they were I'm sure they would have briefed us," she said. She claimed that in any case it is impossible that the tape is genuine, noting that Mr. Saddam is under close guard twenty-four hours a day and does not have access to video recording facilities. "Or any facilities, really," she added.
"Besides," she said, "how would he have smuggled it out?"
However, a former CIA agent, speaking on condition of anonymity, told our reporter that he had heard that Mr. Saddam has recently frequently been left unguarded as all available CIA staff have been assigned to developing documentation to support US Attorney General John Ashcroft's assertion that the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 were the result of failures by the Clinton administration and nothing whatsoever to do with the current incumbents. "So it's possible he was able to get out, make the video, drop it in the post and get back to his cell without anybody noticing," he said.
In related news, President Bush has still not been able to think of any mistakes he has made since the 2001 attacks.
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