US "informed of Beckham text threat" a month before 9/11
A newly-released White House memo today disclosed that presidential spokesman George W. Bush knew as early as August 2001 that David Beckham had plans to make use of a mobile phone to launch missives at civilian targets across the Western hemisphere.
"We were warned that Beckham had acquired a mobile phone with text messaging capabilities but the FBI's intelligence assessment at the time was that he didn't know how to use it," National Insecurity Advisor Condoleezza Rice stated. She did concede, though, "US immigration was aware that an individual with known soccer affiliations had recently entered the country for the purpose of lessons in 'txt tlk' in Florida". She went on to dismiss the recently declassified memo that was presented at a Presidential Daily Briefing as merely an "historical document" but nevertheless added that it "indicates patterns of suspicious activity".
UK president Tony Blair immediately announced an emergency crisis summit to be held later this week for all EU leaders, spin-doctors and TV crews. "This latest outrage has all the hallmarks of al-Qaeda," he said, speaking on ITV2's 'News at Number 10'. He warned of "evidence that pan-Islamic terrorism is linking up with local factions", citing Beckham's proven links with the Real Madrid. A further statement believed to read "This foreshadows a newer, even more deadly chapter in the war on terror, set to undermine our liberal Western democracies" was deemed a repeat by the news producer and cut in favour of the Portsmouth vs. Manchester United game.
Reaction from Spain, where Beckham is widely believed to have based his training camp, was swift. Ambassador Javier Ruperez categorically told DeadBrain he had "no doubt" ETA had been behind the entire plot from the outset, on the grounds that it has historically communicated all its warnings by phone, and that Beckham's use of a mobile device indicated a broadly similar modus operandi. "It's just a shame it didn't happen before our General Election," he is quoted as saying.
Beckham, who reportedly describes his life in Spain as "gr8, lol" was unavailable for comment in English. In a dramatic twist, he is understood to be awaiting a free transfer to Guantanamo Bay FC.
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