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Pentagon hires Comical Ali to head Iraq PR
9 Apr 2004 by Malcolm DruryMohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, the former PR man for failed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein™, has been hired by the Pentagon to head its public relations, with particular responsibility for Iraq, DeadBrain has learned.
Mr al-Sahaf, otherwise known as Comical Ali, gained notoriety and became something of a media celebrity during the early phases of the US-led invasion of Iraq last year when he jovially and persistently declared that the American forces had all been repulsed at the gates of Baghdad even as their tanks could be seen patrolling in the background.
Mr al-Sahaf's whereabouts have been kept secret by the US since the alleged fall of Iraq, but DeadBrain can now reveal that since the beginning of this week he has been working directly for US Secretary of Offence Donald "Dr Strangelove" Rumsfeld in Washington.
Pentagon spokesman Elmer K. Ramsbottom III admitted this to our ever-alert investigative reporter, who had begun to notice signs of the "Comical Ali" approach to US military media briefings. Senior US military officers have consistently alleged that coalition operations against the Sunni and Shia uprisings are going well and that the militants will soon be crushed, even as the state of affairs in Iraq in fact worsens daily.
Mr Ramsbottom said that Mr al-Sahaf had been offered the job of taking over public relations in view of his obvious skills and his intimate knowledge of Iraqi affairs. "We made him an offer he couldn't refuse," he said. Pressed by our reporter to explain he said that in return for helping the US administration out of the mess it has found itself in, Mr al-Sahaf had been offered a great deal of freedom, including no longer having to be shackled and threatened with Guantanamo Bay.
"He jumped at the opportunity," said Mr Ramsbottom, who then gave our reporter a press statement prepared by Mr al-Sahaf, cautioning that it was only a draft and had not been approved by Mr Rumsfeld.
"The glorious American and coalition forces, under the guidance of President and Commander-in-Chief George W. Bush, his name be praised, are in total control in Iraq," it begins. "There is no uprising anywhere, only a few isolated incidents involving a handful of militants, all of whom have been slaughtered, some of them three or four times."
"There is electricity and running water everywhere in Iraq, the trains are running on time, all the hospitals and schools are open and operating normally, and the Iraqi people love the Americans and others who liberated them from the brutal tyranny of Saddam Hussein," it continues.
"All oil wells are operating normally and the oil is being shipped to the USA in ever-increasing quantities," it ends.
Mr Ramsbottom indicated that it was likely that Mr Rumsfeld would strike out that final part.
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