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US to withdraw from Iraq, start again
8 Apr 2004 by Malcolm DruryFaced with mounting casualties, civil unrest and outright revolt against its forces in Iraq, the administration of US President "Boy" George W. Bush is developing a plan to withdraw entirely the coalition troops the US leads and start the liberation all over again, DeadBrain has learned.
The secret plan was uncovered by our political reporter over lunch with a Downing Street official in the "Cock and Bull". Douglas Ramsbottom, the official in question, volunteered the information after his seventh pint of cider. He said that a draft of the plan had been shared with Tony Blair, who had endorsed it and pledged full and unwavering support to Mr Bush. "As bloody usual," he added, before sliding off his chair.
Picking himself up with some difficulty Mr Ramsbottom said that both the US and UK governments now finally recognise that things have gone disastrously wrong in Iraq, with no weapons of mass destruction having been found and no democracy having been established there. Now, with the coalition forces losing control of two key cities, Najaf and Kut, and with fierce opposition in southern Baghdad, the new strategy is to withdraw, assess the mistakes that have been made, then re-invade, probably around October of this year.
According to the plan, Fox News is to be given exclusive worldwide broadcast rights to the re-invasion, as it is the only network that the White House can trust to be fair and balanced in its favour. Accordingly, the re-invasion will be staged only between the hours of 6 and 11pm Eastern Time in order to accommodate prime-time viewers coast to coast across the USA. It will be shown on tape delay in the UK the next evening, but only on Sky.
Mr Ramsbottom said he believed that the plan also called for failed dictator Saddam Hussein™ to be sedated and shown being re-captured by President Bush on live television, but he was unable to confirm that.
Prior to the re-invasion there would be an extensive bombing campaign to soften the current resistance, which would also be carried live by Fox. With that campaign, because most of Mr Saddam's forces have already been destroyed, and as he clearly never had any WMD, there should be little danger to coalition forces next time around. The Pentagon therefore believes the re-invasion should be quick and straightforward allowing the Americans to get on quickly with the task of getting Iraq's oil to the USA.
A White House official, speaking on condition of anonymity, told DeadBrain that the choice of October was purely logistical and had nothing to do with the president's bid for re-election the following month.
In related news, Condoleezza Rice, President Bush's national security adviser, reading from a prepared speech, announced on American television today that Mr Bush is the best, most intelligent and bravest president the USA has ever had, or, indeed, is ever likely to have. Dr Rice's contention was immediately enthusiastically, but impartially, endorsed by Fox News.
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