Dubya's Week: Don't mention the tank!

Sunday 28 March

Donny phoned to say had I heard the news, some French lawyer is going to defend Saddam, I said he's got to find him first, I said I didn't go into his hole to catch him just so some monkey-eating surrender cheese can defend him, I bet Sheerac put him up to it just to get at me. I said by the way, where is Saddam anyway and Donny said I can't tell you, it's a secrit, it's better for you not to know. I said I'm the president and I order you to tell me, so he said OK, he's at Camp Z-Ray, but that's a big secrit. I said OK, thanks, and don't worry I won't tell anybody. Donny said you'd better not, only me and you know about it, not even Ashcroft knows about it and defanitly not Powell.

I couldn't quite remember where Camp Z-Ray is, I'm sure he told me once, I think it might be in Alabama, or maybe on the Moon, or maybe I'm thinking about Dr Evil's hideout.

Monday 29 March

Reception at White House for a bunch of Prime Ministers from them countries that we let in to NATO, Bulgaristan, Lithuatvia and some others, can't remember them all. Gave a speech, said we're all equal partners, and started to say we look forward to putting nucular missle bases in all their countries but Donny kicked me and wispered don't tell them that, it's still a secrit.

Got talking to one of them and dropped my egg sandwich on his shoe and the cat started to eat it, the egg, not the shoe, I had to think fast so I pointed up and said we've just had the seeling painted, what do you think of it, then I remembered we was outside on the lawn. He just said very nice, the clouds are very reellistic, excuse me I have a plain to catch and he walked away, seemed to be coffing a lot. Don't think he noticed the egg. Or the cat.

Toosday 30 March

Dissided I'd better let Condi [Condoleezza Rice, national security adviser - Ed.] testifise at that commishun that's examining my intelligence before 9-11. Cheney told her she'd better not do any more contradicting and don't tell any secrits or she'd get a one way ticket to Ganwamtamo Bay. I said make sure you don't mention that incident with the tank, how was I to know it was loaded, and anyway we bought the guy another cow.

Gave a speech in Wisconsin, said Kerry's an ekonomic isolationist. Don't reelly know what that means, it was just what the guys had written. So I told them from now on I'm going to write my own speeches, say things that me and ordinary folks understand, like Kerry throws like a girl and he eats keesh, reel men eat stake, not that French stuff, well maybe French fries. But Cheney said no, just read the words, and don't try to make stuff up as you go along either.

Wensday 31 March

Yippee, new pole puts me ahead of Kerry, bet he wishes now he didn't eat so much keesh.

Thersday 1 April

Donny phoned early, got me out of bed, he said remember how you was upset when you didn't get the Nobel peace prize last year, well I've got some good news for you, you've been awarded it this year, but you've got to go collect it today. I said that's grate, tell the guys to get Air Force One started up and I'll be right there. So I got up, didn't even have brekfast, but when I got to the front door Donny was there laffing and he said April fool, you didn't reelly get it.

I was mad at first, nearly fired him, but then I said OK that's a good joke, let's play one on Cheney. So I phoned him and said I've had enough of being president, I'm resining immediately, going back to Texas, see ya. Got one of the security guys to get a furniture removal truck out front just to make it look orthentic then went shopping with Laura. When we got back Cheney was in the kitchen making a sandwich, he said what are you doing back here, I've moved in, so I said April fool I haven't reelly resined, and he said too bad, I'm staying here now. Had to get the security guys to throw him out.

Friday 2 April

Fell asleep during meeting with Cheney and Donny on that speech that Condi was going to give on 9-11 on our star wars inishativ to shoot down ennimy missles before they're launched with lasers like Dr Evil has. Dreamt I was George Skywalker and Donny was a wooky and Cheney was Jabba the Hut, he looks a bit like Jabba, and I was in love with Princess Layer, only she looked like Sherry Blair, and I started hugging her and tried to kiss her and then I woke up and I was hugging and trying to kiss Donny. He was struggling and waving his arms, Cheney was laffing, and a security guy came running in and saw me with my arms around Donny and he went reel red and said oh, sorry, I didn't realise, and left. So Donny screamed no, come back, it's not what it seems but the security guy had gone. He'd better keep it secrit and not say anything, Donny or Cheney either.

Saterday 3 April

Day off.

Donny came over to help me deckerate some Easter eggs, I was wearing my bunny pajamas with the long ears and fluffy tail just to get in the spirit, but it got a bit hot and itchy and when I tried to scratch my back I accidentally knocked a pot of red paint over with my tail and it went all over Donny, the paint that is, not the tail. He said look at that, I only just bought this shirt and you've ruined it. I said sorry, let me wipe it off and I grabbed a rag but it had green paint on and when I wiped Donny's shirt it left a big green and red smudge. So I said don't worry, I'll buy you another, I'll get one of the security guys to go to WalMart right away, they're still open. Donny said I don't wear cheep stuff from there I'm the defens secraterry, and he went home in a huff.