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| You don't remotely resemble: Home > News | 12th October |
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 US to occupy newly-discovered planet15 Mar 2004 by Malcolm Drury
US Secretary of Offence Donald "Dr Strangelove" Rumsfeld has announced that preparations are being made to send US forces to a newly-discovered planet in the outer solar system.
Astronomers have detected what appears to be the Sun's tenth planet, which has been named "Sedna" after the Inuit goddess of the ocean. The planet appears to be about the same size as the ninth planet, Pluto, but orbits the sun at a much greater distance. Speaking at a press conference in Washington this morning Mr Rumsfeld said that the occupation was in line with the Bush Doctrine of pre-emptive strikes to protect US interests. "Do we believe this planet represents a threat?" he asked. "We just can't be sure," he replied, "as we don't know enough about it yet" "But could it potentially be a threat," he continued. "Good golly, yes," he replied again. "Terrorism is insidious. For all we know al Qaeda already has a base there. Or it may have a life form that is, even as we speak, preparing to invade the USA. So we're not taking any chances." Asked by a French reporter if the US administration should not first seek a UN resolution regarding Sedna, given the mess it has found itself in in Iraq, Mr Rumsfeld merely gestured with a slight nod of his head and security guards quickly led the reporter away. "Any more questions?" he asked in a menacing tone, as what appeared to be screams and curses in French could be heard coming from outside the room. As there were no further questions from the suddenly hushed reporters, he went on to say that the occupation force would consist of reservists and members of the National Guard who are currently undergoing intensive training at an undisclosed location, believed to be in the far north of Minnesota, where conditions might be similar to those on Sedna. He added that scientists believe Sedna may contain substantial mineral wealth and that it is likely to contain huge amounts of water in the form of ice. As a result, he said, Vice President Cheney has suggested to President Bush that an American company be given sole interplanetary rights to develop the planet's resources, and has recommended Halliburton, to which the president has agreed. "After all," said Mr Rumsfeld, "the planet was discovered by American scientists using American equipment, so that's only fair. And if old Europe protests, too bad." Mildred K. Ramsbottom, a White House spokesperson, later told reporters that there is no truth in the rumour that President Bush was upset about the planet's name and that he thought it should be called Mickey. "We believe the president just got a little confused about where the name Pluto came from," she said. "When we explained, he just said 'OK' and went on reading his daily one page summary of world news." Related Articles New photo evidence of liquid on Mars 1 Feb 2004 The Big Question: Is there life on Mars? 18 Jan 2004 Bush orders military occupation of the moon 14 Jan 2004 21:14 Bush congratulates scientists, makes own Mars discovery 7 Jan 2004 Mission to find lemmings on Mars suffers new setback 4 Jan 2004
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