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  Why we went to war

Government to take revenge on BBC over Hutton

The government tonight began to unveil some of the changes it will make to the BBC following Lord Hutton's criticism of the organisation. Although denying that she would seek reprisals for the embarrassment it caused the government, Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell announced a number of measures that will be widely interpreted as a revenge attack, including:

BBC Governors to be executed live on Sky TV

Details of the nature of the first public executions in Britain in years have yet to be confirmed but it is believed that Gavin Davies - who has already quit, admitting that the BBC was responsible for everything from sexing up the dossier to shooting British troops in Basra - and his Governors will be given the choice of death by firing squad, being hung, drawn and quartered or by lethal John Prescott.

Director General to be beheaded

Greg Dyke is to be beheaded and have his head shrunk by a Labour Witch Doctor (now more popular than spin doctors) and be placed as a paperweight on the Prime Minister's desk.

BBC to be renamed

The BBC will be renamed the Blair Broadcasting Corporation and its new chairman is widely tipped to be Alastair Campbell. Naomi Campbell will be taking over as the prime minister's closest confident.

Radio 4 schedule to be changed

The renowned PM Programme will be changed to 'The PM Hour'. Tony Blair will take on the role of presenter following his trial run on LBC and present a balanced and unbiased hour of basking in his own glory.

Speculation is rife over the future of other hard news programmes on Radio 4. Already known is that BH will be re-titled BS and in a bizarre shake-up John Humphries of the Today programme will be swapping positions with Humphrey Littleton of I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue.

BBC to accept responsibility for everything

In the so-called "war guilt clause", reminiscent of the Treaty of Versailles, the BBC will publicly admit responsibility for everything that has ever gone wrong in the country, including the failure to appease Hitler, the invasion of the Falklands, the Hatfield rail crash, the tuition fees and foundation hospital rebellions and the "mild difference of opinions that the BBC grossly exaggerated" between Tony Blair and Gordon Brown.

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