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US probe lands on Mars, begins search for WMD 4 Jan 2004 by Malcolm Drury The American Mars lander "Spirit" successfully touched down today and immediately began to search for weapons of mass destruction on the red planet. US Secretary of Offence, Donald "Dr. Strangelove" Rumsfeld, flanked by NASA mission specialists, told reporters that the probe, which was launched six months ago, had initially been intended to undertake geological surveys and look for signs of life on Earth's neighbour. However, in view of the failure by the US to find the WMDs of failed dictator Saddam Hussein™, he said that the Pentagon and the CIA have recently turned their attention to beyond Earth. It is believed that some hawks in the US administration have privately blamed either Mr. Saddam or the terrorist group al-Qaeda for the failure in 1999 of NASA's Mars Polar Lander and Mars Climate Orbiter, and the recent failure of a Japanese probe, and that this was enough to persuade President Bush, with the support of Mr. Rumsfeld, to press for the re-profiling of the probe's primary function. "Seems like somebody doesn't want us poking around up there," said Mr. Rumsfeld. "Mars is a lot like Iraq and the other Middle Eastern countries," he continued. "It's basically a desert, with lots of sand, and we know from our experience in Iraq that that's a great scenario for hiding WMDs. We suspect that Saddam and the terrorists may have had a clandestine space program for several years, and that they have been using it to hide WMDs on Mars. Did Saddam have WMDs? He sure did, but we just don't know where they are, and he won't tell us. So are we just taking a reasonable precaution? You bet we are." "Maybe it's a long shot," he continued, "but we do have some evidence of WMDs on Mars." He showed a photograph (below) of the Martian surface that he said CIA analysts believed contained evidence of WMDs on Mars that could probably be activated within 45 Martian minutes. He admitted that the photographic evidence was speculative and open to different interpretations, but he cited the "Bush Doctrine" and said that the USA would not stand idly by and allow any rogue planet to become a threat to America. Mr Rumsfeld also denied that Mr. Bush had ordered the re-programming of the probe after becoming alarmed while watching the film "War of the Worlds". Professor Douglas Ramsbottom, director of the Department of Intelligence Studies and Accountancy at the University of Bootle, told DeadBrain that he did not find the CIA photograph of alleged WMD sites convincing. "I don't think Colin Powell would take this one to the UN," he said. A highly-placed Downing Street source, speaking on condition of anonymity, told DeadBrain that a terrorist link to the failure of the various Mars probes did, perhaps, offer an explanation of the apparent failure of the British probe "Beagle 2", which should have landed on Mars on Christmas Day but has so far been silent. He expressed the hope that the BBC would not unduly "sex up" the story. More news Log in to read/write comments on this article Simon says look at this... Bookmark | Comment | Print | Send to a friend

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