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  You just spat on: Home > News26th April 
  Christmas 2003
EU to ban Santa Claus
In a move set to infuriate leading soft drinks companies, chains of department stores, parents, and little children all over the world, the European Union has announced that it intends to ban Santa Claus.

A spokesperson for the European Commission, Mr Helmut Scroogemeister, outlined the reasons in an exclusive interview with DeadBrain. "It has been clear to many of us here at the EU, that Santa Claus has been running an illegal programme of toy distribution for many years," he said. "The working conditions in Lapland have been monitored by inspectors from our employment law department and it is clear that Mr Claus is in breach of several European standards."

DeadBrain understands that the EU's main objections relate to the hours worked by Santa's elves, the unethical treatment of reindeer, alcohol abuse, and several cases of sexual harassment, the details of which have not been disclosed

Dr Douglas Ramsbottom, Principal of Human Resource Management at the University of Bootle, was firmly on the side of the EU when contacted by DeadBrain. "A manager with two thousand years of experience should have been able to foresee these problems, and sort them out before this stage," he told our reporter. "Making elves work for twenty-four hours a day in the run up to Christmas is just plain cruel and has been outlawed across the EU for a long time. And if the rumours are true about Santa Claus drinking at every house he visits, then it shows a serious lack of professionalism."

Jenny Smith of Alcoholics Anonymous was more sympathetic towards Mr Claus, saying that for such an old man Santa has coped incredibly well with the pressure. "The expectation of every child in the world rests on his shoulders," she explained. "With all that alcohol left around for him, resisting the temptation to drink would be seriously difficult for anyone, and he should be given encouragement and support rather than being threatened by bureaucrats."

The same courtesy was not afforded by Mona Lott of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). "To call Santa Claus an evil pig would be cruel to pigs," she said. "The ordeal that these reindeer have to go through every year, dragging his fat ass around the globe, is enough to make anyone feel sick. I'm delighted that the EU is finally taking action against this monster."

But any criticism of Santa was dismissed at a crèche visited by DeadBrain yesterday. When one tot was asked about the allegations facing Santa Claus he said: "I love Santa, he's bringing me a Finding Nemo toy, and my Granddad says that all Germans smell of poo, so I don't care what they say. Santa is the best."

Mr Claus refused to discuss his dealings with the EU when approached by DeadBrain, choosing instead to make a statement through his lawyer, in which he simply said "Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas Everyone".

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