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Alien invasion alert in central London - abductions feared
17 Nov 2003 by Malcolm Drury
There have been a number of reports of humanoid alien creatures lurking on street corners, and occasionally on rooftops, throughout central London, including an unconfirmed report of at least one abduction. The humanoids are described as having a common appearance with a number of distinguishing features - they wear dark glasses at all times, have what appear to be a wire coming out of one ear, occasionally seem to speak to themselves, and are entirely humourless. All closely resemble male humans, and all are dressed in cheap suits.
Metropolitan police spokesman Chief Superintendent Douglas Ramsbottom told a press conference that the aliens did not appear to be dangerous unless approached. He was unable to confirm reports that one group of humanoids, approached by a person carrying a "Stop Bush" placard in anticipation of the forthcoming state visit by US President "Boy" George W. Bush and his wife, had abducted the protester, forcing him into a car and driving off at high speed on the wrong side of the road.
"We advise members of the public to stay away from them," he said.
"If you must go near them, we suggest you carry a powerful torch," he added. "They appear to be very sensitive to bright light, since they always wear their dark glasses. If they appear to be attacking you, shine the torch in their eyes. We believe this will blind them briefly and give you enough time to get away. But the best thing is to stay out of the area altogether."
Chief Superintendent Ramsbottom said police were being provided with joke books. "This is purely a precautionary measure," he explained, "so that we do not inadvertently try to arrest people with legitimate reasons to wear dark glasses at night or when it's raining, and to have a wire coming out of one ear. The alien humanoids are completely humourless, so telling a good joke gives us a means of properly identifying them when they don't even smile at it."
He said that members of the public can access an official list of government-approved jokes at www.ukonline.gov.uk but repeated his advice to stay clear of the area.
A spokesman for Tony Blair, President Bush's Assistant Vice President (UK Operations), denied that the aliens were in fact US agents brought in to provide security during the visit from head office, and that the reports of alien encounters had been invented to scare people away. "The President assured us that he is entirely comfortable with our local ability to provide adequate security," he said. "The aliens are real and it may well be necessary to close central London for a few days to deal with them."
In related news, Buckingham Palace has issued a press release denying a rumour that Prince Philip spent the weekend painting a large bull's-eye on the roof of the palace directly above the suite where the presidential couple will stay.
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