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Prince Charles's potted plants to move out of Clarence House
10 Nov 2003 by Malcolm Drury
Several organically-grown potted plants at Clarence House, the official residence of the official Prince Charles, are to separate from the Prince for unspecified reasons, DeadBrain has learned.
Prince Charles is known to converse frequently with his plants. However, rumours that the plants are unhappy in the relationship have been flying wildly in unspecified circles in the past few days.
Our reporter, posing as an organic gardener, was able to secure an interview with an official spokesplant for those who would be leaving the royal residence, a weeping fig. Speaking through a new age interpreter, the spokesplant told him that while it did not want to make the details of the reasons for separation public, it could say in general that it had become increasingly difficult to live at Clarence House given the climate of innuendo and unspecified allegations that now permeate the place.
"We are not asking much in the way of a settlement," it continued. "He can keep the house and most of the furniture, and all we want is a good supply of plant food - doesn't have to be organic, in fact, frankly, we'd prefer something that isn't."
"Oh, and a nice Queen Anne table or something to stand on," it added.
An official spokesman for Prince Charles, Sir Michael Peat-Moss, at first denied the rumours of the separation, but later read a statement denying the denial after being shown a transcript of the interview with the weeping fig.
"Sadly," he read, "a number of potted plants for whom His Highness cares very deeply, and with whom his relationship has always been entirely proper, feel that for reasons that I cannot state, and for which an injunction has been obtained to ban their publication, they wish to end the relationship."
"His Highness wishes to make it clear that he categorically refutes any unspecified allegations concerning the plants with which he disagrees," he continued.
Sir Michael added that anyone who knew Prince Charles as he did would understand that any allegations that he (the Prince) was ever anything other than loving and nurturing towards the plants were "ludicrous" and "risible".
It is understood that the plants will be taking up temporary residence at Kew Gardens until they have been able to make more permanent arrangements.
DeadBrain has subsequently learned that Sky and ITV are locked in a battle to persuade the weeping fig to give a live television interview. It is understood that so far the plant has refused, citing the publication ban, but it may agree to give an interview from a Scottish studio, where the ban has no effect.
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