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The allegations against Prince Charles
8 Nov 2003
The alleged media furore around the alleged allegations against the alleged Prince Charles, Prince Charles, allegedly continued today. A spokesman for Prince Charles denied all of the allegations earlier this week, but the gagging order against the British media is still in place: newspapers, radio stations, television channels and web sites are forbidden from repeating the allegations. The allegations have, however, already appeared in an Italian newspaper and rumours are circulating hysterically on the Internet.
Throwing caution to the wind, DeadBrain now brings you the full list of allegations against Prince Charles, along with analysis from a number of experts.
Charles is a homeowner
Speaking from beneath 14 layers of clothing, Channel 4 property expert Kirstie Allsopp condemned the Prince for allegedly owning homes. "I'm appalled," she told DeadBrain. "It is completely incompatible for Charles to be a member of the Royal Family and a homeowner. People have abdicated on no less a thing! Charles's homes belong to us, not to him."
Charles is a member of the Royal Family
Republican Douglas Ramsbottom also condemned the Prince. "I'm appalled," he told DeadBrain. "There is no place for a hereditary monarchy in a modern democratic country. Now he's been found out, Charles should renounce his title immediately."
Charles is heir to the throne
President of the unofficial Prince William fan club, Simone Clarke, aged 12, further condemned the Prince. "I'm on a train and I'm gutted, like," she told us on her mobile phone. "William would be a way cooler king than Charles, and he's much hotter. Charles should give up now and go back to France where he came from!"
Charles likes plants
DeadBrain's gardening columnist, Ham Pitchmast, condemned the media. "I'm appalled by the media's reaction to this," he said. "There's nothing wrong with talking to plants. I do it all the time! Ha ha ha!"
Charles likes Camilla Parker Bowles
Former Royal butler Paul Burrell declined to condemn anyone. "I have no comment to make on this," he said. "It had nothing to do with me, and even if it did then I was only doing what I did to protect Diana. I was her rock, she said so herself. Did you know I've got a book out? But yeah, like I said, I've got nothing to say. It wasn't me. OK?"
Charles is a member of al Qaeda
A spokesman for President Bush was happy to condemn the now beleaguered Prince for allegedly having links to a terrorist organisation. "The President is appalled by this," said Elmer K Ramsbottom III. "He's on the phone to Tony Thingamy and he's going to get him to sort it. The English Royal Family is part of the Axis of Evil and we will stop at nothing to rid the world of them."
Charles has a large quantity of oil beneath his estate
President Bush's spokesman continued: "Right, that's it. He's got 48 hours to quit or we're coming for his oil. Er, I mean him."
Charles has WMD hidden in Clarence House
Speaking off the record, a Downing Street spokesman condemned the Prince, adding that a dossier was being compiled that would prove once and for all that Charles is capable of destroying the Royal Family in 45 minutes.
Charles has big ears
DeadBrain spoke to one Toytown resident who wished to remain anonymous. "There's nothing wrong with that," he said, his bell jingling indignantly. "Some of my best friends have big ears."
Charles shot Phil Mitchell in EastEnders
A BBC spokesman said she could not comment on future storylines but added that she condemned whoever it was that leaked it.
Charles may not have done anything wrong and the Mail on Sunday might be making it up
A spokesman for the general public conceded that this is a possibility, but pledged to continue getting excited about it "until Pop Idol's on".
Royals to issue blanket denial of all unspecified allegations
7 Nov 2003