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Royals to issue blanket denial of all unspecified allegations
7 Nov 2003 by Malcolm Drury
DeadBrain has learned that key members of the Royal Family are to issue a blanket denial of any allegations of wrongdoing that might possibly not be published for legal reasons at any time in the future.
The action follows a denial by officials working for Prince Charles of unspecified allegations against him. Clarence House, the Prince's official residence, issued a statement earlier this week that described the allegations, which cannot be published for legal reasons, as "ludicrous" and "untrue".
Plagued by innuendo and rumours in recent years, it appears that the senior members of The Family have seized on this as a precedent in an attempt to ward off any further attacks from the press.
It is understood that the Queen will deny any unspecified allegations of anything, adding that one annus horribilis is enough for anyone and hinting darkly of rooms to spare in The Tower for anyone trying to give her more grief.
Prince Andrew is to deny any unspecified allegations of being excessively randy and his brother, Prince Edward, will deny any unspecified allegations of allowing his wife to use the family name to promote past business interests.
Princess Anne will deny unspecified allegations of being dull and boring, and Aunty Barbara will deny any unspecified allegations of slap and tickle with colleagues on the sets of her "Carry On" films.
Finally, Prince Philip will deny any unspecified allegations of being rude, overbearing and less-than-ideally diplomatic.
Questioned by reporters while surreptitiously eating a doner kebab behind a tree in Hyde Park, he said between bites: "We've been forced to do this. The media today have no scruples. They've collectively got the intelligence of a bloody coolie who has just walked out of the jungle. Just bugger off and leave us alone."
He said that he particularly objected to allegations of being undiplomatic. "Especially when they're made by Orientals. Slitty-eyed buggers," he added.
In related news, an unconfirmed report suggests that the newly-crowned leader of the Conservative Party, Michael Howard, is considering issuing his own blanket denial of all allegations of him being a right-winger in the party. "Michael is a centralist and always has been," said an unidentified aide, who refused to confirm the report.