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Conservatives replace balding, unelectable leader with balding, unelectable leader
The Conservative Party has today replaced its balding, unelectable leader with a balding, unelectable leader (Haven't we done this before? Ed). In a move described by assorted Tories as "progress", Andrew Marr as "exciting" and anyone else who noticed as "irrelevant" (Yeah, we've definitely been here before. Ed), Iain Duncan Smith Michael Howard is to become the Conservatives' second third leader since Labour came to power, following previous leader William Hague's Iain Duncan Smith's failure to win the general election.

Mr Howard is this afternoon celebrating after narrowly winning the one-horse race to become leader. Speaking after sampling the blood of young virgins in a marginal constituency, Mr Howard said, "It's been a close run thing, I almost didn't make it, but I'm here now." He went on to urge his party to unite behind him. "And this time not with knives," he added, flashing his fangs as a warning to any rebel MPs.

In a rousing speech to the party, Mr Howard stopped short of telling MPs to go back to their constituencies and prepare for government, but he did tell journalists that he would be going back to his coffin and preparing for a night's hunting. "You're quite welcome to join me," he said with a smile to one Sun hackette.

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