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Howard to introduce uniforms for Tory MPs if elected
4 Nov 2003 by Dick Tator
In what would be a shock move, DeadBrain has learned that the probable new leader of the Conservative Party, Michael Howard, has some radical plans to make the Conservative Party "more noticeable".
Mr Howard learned of a scheme where the Chief Constable of Merseyside Police obtained bright yellow uniforms and panda cars for his officers, in an effort to give them more of a presence. He has now decided he wants to try out the same tactic with Conservative MPs.
If, as expected, Mr Howard becomes the leader of the Tories, all of their MPs will be issued with blue suits, blue shirts and Union Jack ties. The wearing of these uniforms will be compulsory when MPs are representing the party in Parliament, on select committees and especially in public.
DeadBrain learned of these plans when they were leaked to our Political Editor, Douglas Ramsbottom, while he was reporting on the current situation within the Conservative Party. "I was standing outside Parliament tapping my feet to the rhythm of Queen's 'Another One Bites the Dust' when a Labour backbencher came up to me and handed me what appeared to be the designs of the new uniforms," he said.
DeadBrain also understands that the Prime Minister himself saw the new plans and was highly amused. A Downing Street source told us, "Mr Blair thought they looked ridiculous. He almost couldn't believe the Tories could be so crazy. He thinks it's brilliant that we're going to be fighting the next general election against The Smurfs."
Tony Blair is not the only one shedding a few tears of laughter over the new plans. Liberal Democrat leader Charles Kennedy was said to be infected with uncontrollable laughter when he heard about the uniform and sees it as an opportunity to show that the Tories are no longer a credible party to oppose the government. He has, however, put designers on standby to make yellow suits, just in case the new Conservative initiative is successful.
A spokesperson for the Conservatives refused to comment on Mr Howard's plans saying, "The Party has yet to elect a new leader, and we will not comment on any potential leaders' ridiculous policies before Mr Howard's name is announced."
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