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Spanish to keep Gibraltar border closed following 'lurgee' outbreak
3 Nov 2003 by Joey Sarajevo
Xenophobes across Britain were enraged today by reports that Spanish authorities are to recommend that the border with Gibraltar - closed since the arrival of the virus-ridden cruise liner Aurora - remain sealed indefinitely amidst fears that another, equally aggressive illness known only as 'lurgee' is sweeping through the colony's schools.
"Hey, don't blame us," said a spokesman, yawning with trademark Mediterranean insouciance. "We weren't even worried about the guys on that ship at first. So they got a, how you say, 'dicky tummy'? Big deal! It's hardly the Plague.
"But then we see the fuss your media are making of it and we think, maybe all these clever men from well-known English newspapers know something we don't. After all, with thousands dying of curable diseases in Africa every day, this must be pretty bad to warrant so much coverage."
Undercover officials from Spain's Department of Public Health are believed to have been monitoring events on the Rock for several months, although the spokesman was quick to deny that this was in any way linked to a secret plan to kick up a big diplomatic row just for the hell of it. Describing 'lurgee', he painted a terrifying picture of infectious disease run amok behind an official wall of silence.
"No-one knows the long-term effects of the illness, but we know it can be transmitted by just a single touch. The screams of the little ones when they see one who has this 'lurgee' approach - Madre de Dios! Oh sure, your officials tell us we have made some kind of stupid mistake - but that is just what they would say, no? They must think we Spaniards were born yesterday!"
The spokesman declined to take any questions on the subject, preferring to snigger openly at the British press contingent and stage-whisper insulting remarks about them to his clearly amused bodyguards.
Several members of that press contingent were keen to make their response, claiming that headlines such as "Trapped on the Ship of Hell", "How many thousands will Die?" and "Were swarthy shipboard waiters agents of al-Qaeda?" had offered a fair and balanced view of the events.
"Bloody dagos!" fumed one lobotomised Nazi who in no way resembled Richard Littlejohn. "How dare they go about perverting our glorious British tradition of lazy, sensationalist journalism? Especially if they're not going to pick up on the rest of it and start beating asylum cheats from Bongo-bongo land with coils of barbed wire."
Other columnists were more sanguine, however. "At least it's the Spanish doing it," said one. "This way I can just lash a few lazy references to the Armada together, call it a column and get back down the pub. Any earlier in the cruise and I'd have had to think of something to say about the Croatians."