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Rumsfeld endorses Israeli guard pig plan, promises support
29 Oct 2003 by Malcolm Drury
US Secretary of Offence Donald "Dr Strangelove" Rumsfeld is reported to be very excited by an Israeli plan to train 'guard pigs' for service in Jewish settlements in the West Bank, and is said to have offered US assistance and support.
Gdud Haivri, a company that supplies guard dogs to the illegal settlements, has obtained approval from senior rabbis to train pigs, which are considered unclean under both Jewish and Islamic law. According to a company spokesman, pigs have a much better sense of smell than dogs and would be able to identify weapons from huge distances, and walk in the direction of a terrorist, thereby pointing him out.
"We had initially considered kangaroos, which are not unclean, have a good sense of smell and can deliver a powerful kick, thus disarming a terrorist," he said, "but we realised they would be able to jump over the security fences we're building so we had to abandon that idea."
Pentagon spokesman Elmer K. Ramsbottom III told reporters that Mr Rumsfeld was very taken with the idea and had proposed a joint development project with Israel to share information and to develop a genetically modified "smart" pig that not only had an even more acute sense of smell but could also be equipped with night vision and trained in the martial arts and use of firearms. "And eventually we would want to be able to train them to fly," he said.
"That's the way of the future," he added, "to get people out of combat zones except for mopping up operations after the pigs have done their thing."
Upon learning of this proposal, Douglas Ramsbottom of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals told DeadBrain that PETA was strongly opposed. "We know that the Americans have been using dolphins for military purposes for a while," he said, "but training pigs as killers is going too far."
"At a minimum," he continued, "we insist that any pig that is sent into a combat zone be given adequate protective clothing, including a helmet, and be accorded full protection under the Geneva Convention if captured. None of that 'unlawful combatant' nonsense. And we demand that absolutely no pig be coerced into accepting a kamikaze mission."
"In the case of capture," he added, "we specifically demand guarantees that the pig would not be executed and eaten. While that might not be an issue in the Middle East who is to say that battalions of pigs won't be deployed in other theatres where they are considered a delicacy?"
According to an unidentified Kremlin source, whilst the Russian Federation is a peace-loving nation it could not allow a killer pig gap to develop and will be starting its own smart pig programme immediately. The Pentagon quickly responded with a request for a budget increase of $500bn to develop a space-based Strategic Pig Defence Initiative.