|News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · David Blunkett|
|You are staring at: Home > News||28th April|
Diana feared attack "from Media"
22 Oct 2003 by Joey Sarajevo
The corpse of Diana, Princess of Wales, was again set spinning in its plush upper-class grave last night at further revelations from her erstwhile butler Paul Burrell that she feared for her life at the hands of shadowy figures working for the British Media.
In a follow-up to the now infamous letter released by Mr. Burrell on Monday, which contained references to a "dangerous" person or entity "planning 'an accident' in [the Princess's] car", the former servant described how Diana felt constantly under threat from the unseen agents of a conspiracy.
Mr. Burrell, known to the Princess as "the help", was quick to deny suggestions of paranoia: "Diana was absolutely terrified of the Media. At the beginning it had been a fairytale marriage, but by the time of her death things had turned sour. Wherever she went she was under constant surveillance. They felt betrayed - she had been welcomed into the family but now she didn't want to play their games."
Mr. Burrell's words will add to the speculation over the events surrounding Diana's death in an underpass beneath the Pont D'Alma in August 1997. This is to be expected given that many people already harbour considerable doubt as to the accuracy of the official verdict, recorded by a consensus of Internet conspiracy junkies, morally suspect Egyptian fraudsters and drooling mad tabloid opinion columnists.
According to this version - still widely believed by the majority - the Princess was killed by a combination of sabotage to the brakes of her vehicle and a high-tech laser device operated by members of the Special Intelligence Service, more commonly known as MI6. This weapon, developed for political assassination, dazzled chauffeur Henri Paul and led to his crashing the Mercedes S280 in which Diana was travelling with her then boyfriend, Dodi Fayed.
Following the crash, Mr. Paul's liver was replaced with that of a depressive alcoholic, in an unsuccessful attempt to have him blamed for the tragedy. It is believed that MI6 were able to ensure the cooperation of the French authorities in this deception by having the real - pristine - liver transplanted into a goose, which was then brutally force-fed for several months before being used as the raw materials for a particularly exquisite pate.
Some commentators, however, have pointed to the questions this version leaves unanswered. For example, what was the role played in all of this by the several figures seen pursuing the Mercedes on motorcycles on the night of the crash? These men, some of whom had been known to work for Media organisations in the past, are said by eyewitnesses to have hounded the Princess's vehicle, forcing it into driving at dangerously high speeds.
Though reported to have been present at the scene of the crash, these pursuers did little to help its victims; some even took photographs of the incident, ostensibly for personal gain but perhaps - as some have suggested - to provide evidence of their handiwork to an as-yet-unknown puppet-master.
Supporters of this theory have pointed out that the blacked-out name of the person or entity described in Diana's letter to Mr. Burrell can be safely estimated as being three words long. And although this would correspond to "Secret Intelligence Service", it would also leave "that b**tard Murdoch" as a viable option.
The response to these allegations from the Media itself was muted: "We have nothing to say," claimed a spokeswoman, "although that shouldn't surprise anyone who's read a paper in the last six years."