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Tory leader to give birth, have heart scare, go into space
20 Oct 2003
The alleged Conservative leader, "Iain" Duncan Smith, is growing increasingly desperate for some positive and sympathetic news coverage, DeadBrain has learned. According to a top-secret strategy document, shown to DeadBrain, Mr Duncan Smith is worried by the amount of negative publicity he has had and the amount of positive publicity his opponents have had: he is under investigation, Tony Blair has had a health scare and Gordon Brown's wife has just had a baby boy. Even archenemy Michael Portillo has seen positive coverage over his week spent as a single mum for BBC Two.
The document describes in detail plans for Mr Duncan Smith to make a comeback, taking inspiration from his opponents. Starting after Prime Minister's Questions on Wednesday, Mr Duncan Smith will travel to Glasgow where he will set up home alone in a small flat. By Thursday he will have been forced into prostitution to pay the rent and on Friday afternoon he will learn that he is nine months pregnant.
On Saturday afternoon, Mr Duncan Smith will go into a long and difficult labour at an NHS hospital, which will not finish until Sunday evening, "just in time for Monday's newspapers". While in hospital he will catch an assortment of infections and be accidentally sent home with the wrong baby, allowing him to criticise the NHS still further. The document recommends that it should be a black baby if possible "to help with the ethnic vote".
The following morning he will leave for his new home and receive messages of congratulations from politicians and the general public. However, in the afternoon he will receive a visit from his landlord, a local drugs baron, who will demand thousands of pounds in unpaid rent, "highlighting the problems faced by those on low incomes". Mr Duncan Smith will then have a heart problem, brought on by the stress of the drugs baron's demands, and be rushed back to hospital, leaving the baby in the care of his drug addict hippy neighbour.
Mr Duncan Smith's heart problem will turn out to be a false alarm, but the plan says that he will still receive get well messages "from important people" and sympathy for the country. This, the author says, should guarantee him an interview on GMTV.
After a day's rest, Mr Duncan Smith will take up training as an astronaut at NASA, returning home on the Wednesday for Prime Minister's Questions. On Thursday he will travel to Kazakhstan where he will be blasted into space onboard a Russian rocket. This would apparently guarantee him a place in the Guinness Book of Records as the first politician to go into space and mass publicity worldwide.
On the Friday he will return home and spend the day doing media interviews. The author of the plan concludes: "What I have outlined is a sure-fire way to get IDS some great publicity. My only concern with it is that a part of it may be a little difficult to arrange – so far as I know a one-day pregnancy followed by a birth is very rare. If we extended this by a day and made IDS have twins instead then we might get away with it."
Political commentator Douglas Ramsbottom of the Daily Telegraph told DeadBrain that the plan could be a success. "This could really work for IDS, especially the last part about going into space," he said. "The further IDS is away from the Conservative Party the better."
The Conservative Party has declined to comment on the leak.
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